LooseNews 60 to 110

LooseNews
Between the lines

-60-

5th November ‘07



Message: 90 percent of our news is true, the rest is not false



Don’t Abort That Robot!
London: A British scientist has been awarded a doctorate for a paper predicting that humans over 6 billion in population will one day land up marrying robots. Maastricht University awarded the human David Levy a PhD for a thesis entitled ‘Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners’.
Mr. Levy wrote, “Trends in the robotics and shifting attitudes on marriage are likely to result in sophisticated robots that will eventually be seen as suitable marriage partners”, meaning more human than the artificial ones of today.
The thesis, still a thesis, examines artificial human attitudes towards affection, love, and sexuality and concluded that the findings are just as applicable to human interaction with robots of the future as they are to relationships between robotic humans today.
It was based on about 450 publications in the field of psychology, sexology, sociology, robotics, material science, everyday artificial intelligence, gender studies, computer-human interaction, but not shopping, apple polishing and gossiping.
The question is the day after the honeymoon.



Fake Mistake
Connecticut: An alleged drunken driver, Ismet Idrizaj, will get a new trial after sober court officials said he was presented by a fake lawyer. Howard Seidler, 62, from Brooklyn, NY was arrested at Stamford Superior Court on his return for his client’s sentencing. The court official sentenced Seidler in one paragraph explaining his unauthorised practise of law and criminal impersonation. He may also face charges of first-degree larceny and forgery someone called Cohen said.
Poor Seidler made the foolish mistake of claiming to be a real New York rich attorney named Harold Weberwhile representing Ismet Idrizaj of Norwalk on the drunken driving charge.
A jury deliberated for a record of just eight minutes before convicting Idrizaj, who spent a real $18,000 on legal fees. Seidler was found out when other lawyers got suspicious and did a back ground check on him.
We do not know of lawyers defending wrong doers or if Seidler had good intentions.



Said to be Dead
London: Greater Manchester Police have begun an investigation after a woman oversaw the cremation of the body she believed was her son, who turned up alive the next day. The mix-up of the body of a 30 year old dead man discovered in Manchester on Oct 12 by the care taker who knew him alive was identified as Thomas Dennison who lived 9 years longer. Officials contacted Dennison’s mother, Gina Partington, 58, who also identified what little she knew of her own son, as the dead one, 9 years younger.
The correct body by mistake was released to the wrong family who spent for a proper funeral, only to be reminded of the expenditure the very next day when the real Dennison was discovered alive in Nottingham, 80 miles away. Partington, said the resemblance between the dead man and her alive son was remarkable, making an older Dennison feel better already.



Father-and-the-law

Stockholm: A Swedish man not living in the Arab world has been charged with defamation and accused of falsely telling the suspicious US authorities that his son-in-law had links to the al-Qaeda, the sharp authorities realised this when he did not mention his own mother-in-law.
The false warning spoiled a business trip to the US for the man’s son-in-law who was stopped at a Florida airport and questioned for 11 hours to find out what they could in 11 minutes, this before being sent back on a plane without a bomb to Sweden.
The US authorities had received a normal un-forwarded non-chained email; send to the FBI saying the man ‘likely has links to the Muslim terror organisation al-Qaeda’s network in Sweden’, while the al-Qaeda would just have loved to have one.
The 52 year old father-in-law admitted to having sent the email after it was traced to his home computer without a virus, this he sent after a normal father-in-law dispute with his to be divorced son-in-law who wanted to de-link with his daughter.
He says he did not expect such a ‘paranoid reaction’ from the already paranoid US authorities.



Thought of the day: “The road less travelled must have less at the other end”





LooseNews
Between the lines

-61-

19th November ‘007



Check in the mail
Kathmandu: Women in Nepal have been mailing condoms to their husband working abroad to protect them from sexually transmitted diseases. These women living in Pang village in the Midwestern mountains of Nepal, have been writing to their husbands not to have sex with other women, but also at the same time confusing them with mailed condoms, so that if they are unfaithful, at least they will have safe sex safely.
Its seems social workers have been counselling the now very worried women in this remote village about sexually transmitted diseases over the past two years with women from other countries, but have not yet counselled these Nepalese women that countries around their husbands have their own condoms to sell.
An estimated 3 million Nepalese work in foreign countries to support their families back in Nepal and may have sex with women outside Nepal.



In other news…



The Mole’s Hole
Beijing: A wanted criminal hid for 17 years in a tunnel he dug underneath his home in China. Police in Zhangxu village, Suinan town, flushed the human mole, Hui Guangwen out of his secret tunnel after an underground tip-off. Hui was at large for 17 years after agreeing to kill someone from a small neighbouring village over a minor disagreement. Hui confessed he never went anywhere in all of that time other than the tunnel to nowhere, which he and his wife dug. He says it was real boring and took 17 years to find out. He is facing a better life in jail with his wife, who is charged with conspiracy for helping him get bored. His jail term could have been over if he did not spend the time to dig.



Not influenced to drive under (IDU)
Los Angeles: Lindsay Lohan served 84 long minutes of her short 24 hour jail sentence for DUI (driving under the influence). The jail term was a mandatory minimum four days in jail after pleading no contest for two DUI charges we do not know about, prosecutors willingly agreed to see less of her by reducing it to two days after she may have signed autographs during community service.
We learnt that she had already done one day when authorities gave her credit for the time she spent in their custody following her July arrest. Lindsay with her paparazzi had checked out of Utah’s Cirque Lodge rehab centre on October 5 after a stay of two months is also being tracked down by voluntary police for three years of probation.



Tip of the day: “Want what others don’t need”





LooseNews
Between the lines

-62-

12th December ‘007



Message: You can copy but do not paste!
To paste is a process that dilutes the original thought that was reserved by the writer hoping to cash upon his experiences that made him spend. Therefore we advice you against any instinctive reaction of habituated inspiration that we adopt with such easy instead of other better ones that we have not.



Baby! it doesn’t matter if its Black & white
Pribislavec: A Croatian family have painted their house black and white in memory of their pet Dalmatian. A 52 year old Goran Tomasic and his wife Karmen who is a younger at 35 and much older than the dog, decided to paint their house in the northern village of Pribislavec white and black spots after Bingo who was run over by a car, whose colour must have been grey.
Goran reminds us of their love for their dog by painting the house even though he was afraid what the neighbours would say about giving a ‘near white and black house’ in their postal address or directions to black or white friends.
They just wanted everyone to know what he meant to them. Even the brown neighbours now know.



Flush Blush
Warsaw: Polish people are busy protesting against a Christmas loo roll. The festive toilet paper on sale will be cheaper or free if they manage to get a ban in place stating that it is repulsive. The roll features pictures of reindeer and stars and little messages saying ‘Merry Christmas’. The pharmacy chain Rossman has been branded as ‘exceptional thoughtless’ by the Lublin youth chaplaincy that have organised the petition and not thinking of using a toilet in the month of December.
Mieczyslaw Gasper, 51, who signed the petition, says that one uses good designs on Christmas cards to send merry greetings to someone who would now notice the toilet-roll designs for their backside.
The Polish branch selling this toilet paper said that they only sold it and did not have influence over what was printed on it by their international managers who do not use notice their toilet paper. This makes it worth the feedback exercise to stop international managers into what happens in their stores from now on.



Child Abuse
Michigan: Children at a Catholic school were in for a shocker to learn old words in a new place from the head nun making sure they all understood the terms not to be used from then on.
Sister Kathy Avery, the principal of St. Clare of Montefalco Catholic Scholl in Grosse Point Park, Michigan, told students that she had no tolerance for abusing, none what so ever. And just in case some aliens who did not use these terms could now follow what others meant to call them, she read a list of abuses and phrases that others used aloud.
It obviously got a little quite and shocked many who knew those words too well; there were others who learnt something new to spontaneously applaud thinking of a newly found vocabulary.
Margaret Roache, chairwoman for the school commission said that sister Kathy was open with children and very clear in her messages and abuses, unlike normal sisters who would not try and shy away from something like that. The bright side is that abused students now know the words but not the meaning, not until the next shocker.



Good news/ Bad news: Mobile range is good, battery charge is not





LooseNews
Between the lines

-63-

13th December ‘007



Did you know
…that all super heroes like Superman with secret identities stitch, design their own costumes and hopefully washed them too?



Dead End
Beijing: A Chinese woman very alive to lifeless ideas has opened a mausoleum-themed inn to let the living experience the feeling of death. For this experience one has to end up at a house in Lushul town somewhere in Jiangsu province where Jiao Meige has set up for an inn.
The entire building is shaped like a Chinese mausoleum but beds are shapes like western coffins.
Her dead investment of renting the land initially to put up a farm was due to no one wanting to work on it. The reason being too many old graves in the field seen in the day, could raise the dead at night.
With no income to keep her alive, the idea of the mausoleum came to her while her life flashed before her eyes, and with such inspiration all around she decided to share the feeling of her financial death with others. There is no living service at night and the visitors cannot go anywhere outside due to that vast graveyard they came to see in the first place.
She also says that visitors, who have heart problems which could include broken hearted lovers, will not be accepted, if they intend to go back alive.



Bon Voyager
Los Angeles: Our Solar system is uneven! But does this mean that all schools will now be shut?
The spacecraft Voyager 2 observations have revelled that our solar system is asymmetrical after its probe recently sailed near the edge of the solar system. Scientists say the solar system is likely to be in this state due to disturbances in the interstellar magnetic field, the ones we do not feel in daily lives or affect our mobile phones networks.
Researches like Voyager mission scientist Edward Stone said they had long suspected that the system was all bent like the ones we know the system in our daily lives, but they never had the evidence until now to prove it unlike we do in our daily lives.
In simple terms, we are told that the unevenness in the system is caused by the interstellar magnetic field that is pitched at the angle to the plane of the Milky Way.
Excited about the second milestone crossing after Voyager 1, scientists in AC controlled environment on earth where it matters now had a measurement of the speed and temperature of the solar wind up in space where it did not.
Voyager 2 was launched in 1977 and close behind Voyager 1, which is travelling at 16kms per second away from the over-polluted earth and towards the heliopause, marking the end of our solar system and the beginning of interstellar cleaner space.



Evolution’s revolution
Human evolution is speeding up and so are sales of computer games and consumer based products.
US researchers who have been following thousands of years of human history for the past few decades have stumbled upon this happy fact for daily consumer products to plan for.
The study has brought to light that people today are more genetically different from those living 5,000 years ago than those humans were different from the Neanderthals from 30,000 year ago, this is accordingly to anthropologist John Hawks of the University of Wisconsin living today and very different from children living in the neighbourhood.
An ecstatic Henry Harpending from the University of Utah says that “Our species is not static”. The genetic changes relate to numerous different human characteristics. Many recent changes reflect differences in the human diet brought on by agriculture, as well as resistance to epidemic diseases that became mass killers following the growth of human civilizations, they added. For example, Africans have a new gene providing resistance to malaria and Asians have a new gene that make ear wax drier, while many hand feed by city malls have just heard about a new shape of jeans and Indians have been made immune to anything organised.
The increase in population from millions to billions in the last 10,000 years has accelerated the rate of evolution as we need to adapt and with a larger population more mutation occurs around those drinking cokes and fries.
Beneficial genetic changes have appeared at a rate roughly 100 times higher in the past 5,000 years than at any previous period of human evolution, researchers say. They added that about 7 percent of the human genes are undergoing rapid, relative recent evolution. Even with these changes, however the human DNA remains more than 99 percent identical, putting emphasis on the 1 percent that is not.
Genes have evolved relatively quickly in Africa, Asia and Europe, but almost all of the changes have been unique to their corner of the world and people from the city of Bombay being unique from the rest of the human race.



Thought of the day: “It’s Superman! No it’s a plane, oh, it’s a bird”





LooseNews
Between the lines

-64-

24th December ‘007



Did you know
…that according to a survey of 551 people living in Northern Ireland, it was found that Africans in Kenya are less likely to adapt to Japanese food while travelling in Mongolia?



Can Ya?
London: A heart warming story could not go unmentioned for its remarkable journey that Sammy Gitau, an organiser from a community in Kenya took towards getting himself on our newspapers that enter our cosy homes and our depression of everything around us.
It began when he was foraging through a rubbish dump in the slums of Mathare-Nairobi and found a prospectus from the university of Manchester, some else who did not go, threw away. After going through it he became interested enough to do something about the state of the university.
Gitau had been the breadwinner of the family at the mature age if 11, after he lost his father and survived by selling drugs that killed others and by stealing your brand new iPod.
An over dose of cocaine and a coma later, turned his life around recovering to help others from over doses of cokes and fries.
Community services saw him gain support that in turn helped his wish to pursue his dream of studying Development Policy Management, a nightmare to other students. This course, of course, would enhance what he was already doing.
A call to Peter Mann, the course director at the university of Manchester saw him admitted against all odds and others will, even though he did not have a high school diploma or need one, but just on the basis of his high recommendations and his quite confidence and determination was enough to see him through.
The university staff agreed to help Gitau to go through the use of library and write first time essays and graduate with a maters degree.
Gitau says he will migrate to Kenya and be thrilled to use his new skills to strengthen the community centres he had set up in four slums. He hopes that his story helps inspire others to pick up from rubbish dumps and show them if they want something bad enough, it is achievable.



In other news…



A penny saved is a pickup earned
Indiana: Paul Brant is a penny pincher whose savings in quarters and dollars coins paid off his pickup truck. Brant who is 70, used more that $25,000 in change to help buy a new Dodge Ram half-ton pickup truck, 13 years after he relieved himself of spare change to pick his first one, the seller who requiring a pickup to transport the change back home was happy that he did.
His father, Paul said, always paid in cash and saved up loose change to take heavy vacations. Brant who has been storing change for years says that as long as you do not put your hands back in the till, it really adds up. Maybe all the way to a pickup.



Here Comes Santa Claus!
Here Comes Santa Claus!
Connecticut: A Santa Claus said a woman who sat on his lap was naughty. Someone who did not get groped in the Danbury Fair Mall said that Santa did.
The security official looking out for highly trained terrorist activity confirmed that Santa Claus was sexually assaulted and further commented that Sandrama Lamy,33, of Danbury was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace, while she claimed she was very peaceful if she did it.
She was released on a promise to appear in court on January 3rd and not sexual assault anyone there peacefully.



Thought of the day: “It can only be the wrong place if it is the right time”





LooseNews
Between the lines

-65-

27th December ‘007



No seating
Arizona: A Scottsdale man shot himself in his own buttocks on Wednesday morning, said Sgt. Mark Clark sitting down happily on his seat. Daniel Leatherman, who has managed to live to be 26, heard a disturbance outside his apartment before he managed to shoot himself!
It was further known that Daniel saw a man he knew named Cody Nunn fighting with a cab driver before he shot himself!
David Leatherman even further went to say that the man, Cody Nunn aged 25 had assaulted him in the past, so he grabbed his gun and while hiding it behind his back, accidentally dropped it and shot his behind!
Nunn and David Leatherman’s friend took him to the local hospital, while the police arrived from the door behind.
Since Nunn was drunk and disruptive they arrested him on suspicion of disorderly conduct and possibly thought he shot Leatherman in the buttock, but we know who did.



Modern day sledging
Los Angeles: A man in a Santa hat was arrested for drunken driving after he was spotted outside Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood wearing a wig, a red lace camisole and a purple G-string that did not match, the very alert police said. Deputy Chief Ken Garner said they were pretty sure he was not Santa Claus.
The suspect who they suspected was booked in jail after his blood-alcohol level measured just above the state’s very high legal limit of .08.
He was later happily released on a $5,000 bail to drive again on any blood-alcohol level. The man we know measured 6.4 feet and weighed 280 pounds for some reason and also wore black leg warmers and matching black shoes. His modern day four wheeler sledge with low fuel levels was towed to an impound yard.



Tip for the day: “Don’t have a reason to have anything out of season”





LooseNews
Between the lines

-66-

17th January ‘08



Harry the Potter
London: Harry Potter has been branded as “the wrong kind of hero” by the right kind of Vatican.
J. K. Rowling who does not donate as much as she earns, has her best seller on the black-list of the Vatican’s official newspaper L’Osservatore Romano as a promoter of witchcraft and occult to children lesser influenced by miracles and religion.
The novel’s protagonists who appear to be on the same good side, it seems are confusing salvation and truth with a secret knowledge according to the article. The article that is not yet a better seller further goes to explain that the novel has inverted and messed spirituality in a world where bad is good and that they are characterised by a vague, new-age philosophy.
Pope John Paul II had once applauded Rowling for leading the life of a good Christian in her earlier sequels and the Holy See officials during his papacy said that Harry Potter was clearly fighting against Satanism.
A confused spokesman for Rowling declined to give a clear comment.



In other news…



Barb and the wire
Sofia: Two Bulgarian brothers have divided their family home with barbed wire after suing and insulting each other more than 200 hundred times. This in normal terms would make them see each other in court more often than brothers their age would like see each other normally. Now being self taught lawyers and due to lack of earning money too busy with court issues and paying for family lawyers, have been at it since 1968 over cheaper land their dead parent unfortunately left them. The brother Taso 74 and his brother Asen 75 from Malka Arda go to court for any odd reason they can dream of and can barely remember what they first went to court for. The court in turn needs to be reminded what they could be arguing about at every new case.



In the line of fire
Vienna: A good lesson from a shopkeeper who ignored an armed robber and his fake real gun. Ingrid Kassel, 27, thought the gun was not real and told the armed robber to stand at the back of the line after he had burst into the shop and jumped the line. He then pulled out a gun and shamelessly demanded money ahead of the others standing before him. The shopkeeper who does not watch police amazing videos said she thought he was obviously joking or something like it. Meanwhile the customers thought she was real cool before she realised he was serious. The police are looking for the disappointed and would-be robber after he was made to leave empty-handed waiting his turn due to the long line.



Thought of the day: Global warning





LooseNews
Between the lines

-67-

21st January ‘08



No Clowning around
London: It seems that all kids hate clowns around as much as clowns hate to be around kids, the older ones are even scared of them according to a poll of youngsters by elderly researchers from University of Sheffield who were at first examining how to improve the décor of the hospital children’s ward.
The study found all the 250 serious patients in that corner of the world aged between 4 and 16 disliked the use of clowns from anywhere in the world.
Penny Curtis, a senior lecturer in the research said that as adults, they made assumptions about what worked for children and then made the assumption that clowns are universally disliked by children finding them quite frightening and unknowable. What the children were in hospital for we do not know, what they said we do.



Dodge the Baloney
Lagos: Rebels in Nigeria’s oil producing Niger Delta have invited the United Nations’ new messenger of peace, and actor George Clooney to step into its conflict with the government over oil wealth.
In an open letter by email to the media for all to forward, the prominent armed group, the Movement for the Emancipation of Niger Delta (MEND) who know all about Hollywood asked Clooney to visit the impoverished wetlands region, ironically home to Africa’s largest and richest oil reserves the poor cannot drink.
MEND fighters have bombed oil facilities, kidnapped foreign workers and attacked shipping in their bid to secure regional control over the deltas oil wealth, having curbed Nigeria’s oil output by 20 percent and helped quickly drive world oil prices to record heights reducing pollution.
The rebel actor George the Clooney who has bombed, kidnapped and attacked has not yet reacted as fast as he does on reel. He has dodged the request to see the outcome of some rebel baloneys in talks with the weak eight-month old government of President Umaru Yar’Adua next week or may send a reply in a new film release.



In other news…



Lead to be Dead!?
Berlin: A burglar in Berlin broke-in to find an unexpected completely dead corpse and felt compelled to call the police. A police spokesman said that after he broke into the flat and found the body, he remembered the police stations number to call them and gave the address he now knew.
It spokesman did not say if the burglar was arrested and if the dead man was buried or if shocked before he died when the burglar broke in.



Thought of the day: “I want to be like me”





LooseNews
Between the lines

-68-

7th February ‘08



Predictive predicament
7th February ‘08
London: Using predictive text on mobile phones has given rise to another new teenage language we cannot understand. In England, parents now have to decode secret messages from other kids on their children’s mobile phones by checking with this predictive function we do not why existed.
This is because kids are replacing words with the first alternative that comes up when typing a message; this gives rise to words like ‘cool’ to mean ‘book’, ‘mum’ would sound like saying ‘nun’ and if anyone is watching an interesting ‘carnage’ it would mean a ‘barmaid’ or did someone say they are having ‘adds’ or was it ‘beer’?
Secret languages have always been a part of a teenager’s vocabulary and kids have been at it since Victorian times, David Crystal, a linguistics expert at Bangor University says, and it shows an incredible ingenuity and a high degree of unknown literacy too.
These words however are unlikely to be incorporated into the English language on a long term and more likely to fall by the wayside and temporarily when kids loose their mobile phones or have a dead battery.



Bed ridden
London: One way to avoid being sent to bed is to swallow the key.
A young and drunk student named Chris being forced to go to sleep by his friends swallowed the dorm key the night before, waking up in the morning on his friend’s sofa and not being able to remember much of it.
On suspicious of what may have happened, the computer science student had to recheck if the possibility was true by undergoing an x-ray to find out what he needed to do later thereafter. On seeing the two-inch key lying with undigested food in the pit of his stomach he was made to realised that nature had to take its course hours later, which Chris allowed to happen and put back the cleaned key into the keyring, making other students using a newly made duplicate key only from now on, with some desperate suggestions to change the entire door or to sleep outside in the open.



What’s the hold up?
Berlin: Two smart Germans dressed as bank robbers for a fancy dress party sparked off smarter police when they went dressed they way they did and went to withdraw money from a bank. The police used to bank robbers dressed as ordinary people, were called in by a local who watched a lot of television and had spotted the suspicious looking pair in the German town of Sittensen on Rose. The police not wanting to upset the locals then in typical television style set up road blocks sponsored by taxes after getting a note of their car registration.
The two Germans, one named Johann Maier aged 20 and the other Walter Brey, 22, were found two hours later at a disco in the nearby town of Breve and told by the police to foot the bill for the police operation they did not ask for by money they did not steal.
The two men were not even aware that their outfits for a fancy dress would cause such confusion with the police that were aware; the police insisted that it did.



In other news…



Gone to the dogs!
Vienna: If stood up in Vienna and you have a dog, your dog could be luckier than you were. A theatre which is not so lucky and having to stand up to competition from other multiplexes built nearby has the novel and normal idea of allowing you to take your dog inside the cinema. By paying 4 pounds once a month. The dog gets the blanket, water and the popcorn while you get the movie, In India for 4 pounds you would get to take the blanket home.
The idea has been advised by veterinary authorities to turn down the volume a bit so as not to hurt the animals’ ears as it does not have head phones for human ears.
Thomas Feldinger who is aged 24 with his Labrador Hanjo who would never be, says that it is a good idea and good to be stood up, his dog loved it in there and so did the other dogs with stood up people.
At first he thought it would have been noisy with people weeping, but once the film started, all those stood up, sat down along with their dogs in their blankets and watched quietly. He did not mention what film it was.



Thought of the day: “Try this at home”





LooseNews
Between the lines
-69-


23rd February 2008



Message: Leave a comment no matter how good it is!
A comment is a footprint for others to follow what they did not understand; it leaves an impression of what you did and gives us a much-needed trail to follow.
Our replies will be buried deep within futuristic articles, which you would then desperately need to search, finding more than what you bargained for and for what you did not pay.



“Whole lot of shakin’ goin’ on”
Jerusalem: An Israeli MP has blamed a spate of earthquakes in the Middle East on homosexuals. Shlomo Benizri, of the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas party, said repealing liberal laws on homosexuality could stop the tremors. Six earthquakes have struck Israel with homosexuals in recent months, with two coming last week alone. Israel decriminalised homosexuals in 1988 before all earthquakes and has recognised same-sex marriages. Last week, it enabled same-sex couples to adopt children of any sex.
Benizri believes its no coincidence that the first of the recent quakes hit just days later and not the same day. He questioned why things happen and emphasised that one of the reasons is the thing to which the Knesset gives legitimacy –sodomy
He said in a parliamentary debate, God says that if we shake our genitals where we are not supposed to, then he would shake his world in order to wake us up.
To this some wonder whose genitals would cause the next earthquakes.



Bloody taxmen!
Warsaw: Taxmen known to all as vampires are offering Poles a chance to pay their tax bills in blood.
The Poles who are bleeding already with the burden can now ease the pressure of dying without the metaphor.
Every donation to the local blood bank will allow the Poles to write off 30 pounds off their tax bill in blood, an amount they almost die to earn. Donors have to get a certificate from the hospital for every litre now sold, that can be then sent to the waiting taxman willing enough to write off against the final tax demand.
A regular thin donor Dariusz Gryka, from the northeastern town of Bialystok, said that he learnt about it from an accountant friend and started to give all his blood from last year. He says it has been worth the tax.



In other news…



Surely not chicken
London: A lorry driver survived with his truck that had a chicken under the bonnet after it made a 160 kms trip. The trucker heard the engine clucking when he arrived at the Asda depot near Chepstow, Monmouthshire and found that a chicken had been sitting quietly on his hot engine since they left Staffordshire.
The hen, which now was qualified for a driving licence, was taken to the vet Caroline Marlow to be given a clean bill of health- then immediately laid a boiled egg.



Thought of the day: In today’s world, normal people need to ask for equal rights





LooseNews
Between the lines
-70-

25th February 2008




Booked!
London: ‘I Was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen’ by an author who was not, is one of the books that made it to the odd titles by The British industry magazines-The Bookseller, that brings many more such titles that have odder materials to read.
One can vote on the magazine’s website for one of the six mostly non-fiction titles unearthed by puzzled publishers, humoured book store workers and bored librarians from around the world.
The winner will be announced on March 28. The nominations for ‘The Diagram Prize’ are-
The above pygmy queen’s muse-turned-author Jasper McCutcheon;
‘How to Write a How to Write a Book’ by first time writer Brian Paddock;
‘Are Woman Human?’ By someone who is not;
‘And Other International Dialogues’ by a known Catherine A. MacKinnon
‘Start with Your Legs’ written by the hands of some Big Boom;
Horace Bent, The Bookseller’s diarist, used the magazine’s website to confess that publishing has become more corporate, normally squeezing out the trade’s usual quirky charms. Odd lists are normalised, real targets are typically set, unreal authors are culled, but happily his fears have been put to rest as oddity lives on.
Last year’s winner was ‘The Stray Shopping carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification’ by Julian Montague somewhere in the Western South America.
The Diagram Prize has been patronised by abnormal authors since 1978 when the winner was ‘Proceedings of the second International Workshop on Nude Mice’ which had more meaning in the title than the content.



“Polly wants a leg”
London: A one-legged parrot that keeps slipping off his perch is to be fitted with a wooden leg. George, a 10- year old talking African Grey, lost a claw after being attacked by a wild animal that did not take the other, this after it broke into his cage a year-and-a-half ago to shut the parrot up
The missing limb means whenever George tries to sleep, he slips off his perch, squawking “Bloody Hell” in surprise. Concerned for her pet without thinking of shutting the pet’s mouth, Sheila Weare says that one can see the ways he fidgets that he is not comfortable and has to bite the bars of his cage to balance, with the wooden leg he would only have to struggle put it on.
The expense will give only the pet some nights sleep. The pet will be trained to fit the specially moulded slot into which it will insert the right stump at night.
Dr. Glyn Heath, who runs the animal prosthetics firm Lacerta with both legs, says this is the first and last time he has struggled on a parrot and previously happily worked on dogs, rats and even a panda. George is the first English swearing bird and quite a noisy talkative challenge as he is more difficult to train than a dumb dog.



Junk the male
London: A furious householder, Paul O’Brien is being sued by a woman who trapped her hand in his letterbox while delivering her junk mail.
Joy Goodman claims she can no longer do her creative job as a cake decorator after the top of her right index finger was severed delivering monotonous mail into this male’s box.
Paul O’Brien 44 is from Leeds, the angry dad-of-two is not overjoyed, and was out of the house that Joy tried to deliver her leaflets to, he has vowed to fight her claim for personal injury and loss of earnings and has hired lawyers that can give her loss of hearing. He now believes that someone who came on his property uninvited to put junk mail through his door could sue him.
The letterbox was just like every other one on the estate full with junk mail and if her claim is against his house, his premium will go up.
He says it is in the proper hands of his solicitors



Thought of the day: “Damsel in shinning armour at night”





LooseNews
Between the lines
-71-

29th February 2008-07-20



Message: Those who have asked the identity of our editor will first have to prove their own and that they do not feature in any past descriptive revelling article that we may have exposed. The basis of your identity will be based on a healthy balanced mind we can bank on or even a healthy bank balance that we do not mind.



Make a fake
Rome: Real Italians are forced to buy bogus Ferrari cars only to match their fake Gucci bags and Rolex watches making them look real stylish. Police looking for fake driving licences found real ones and a new height of craftsmanship, when they broke up a ring selling these fakes after an old police vehicle overtook one such Ferrari car.
These cars sold for a fraction of the real price but could not even now be afforded by any corrupt policeman who wanted one.
Fifteen were accused of building the blood red counterfeit sports cars, while some who bought one knew they were buying a genuine classic.
Car body workers had cobbled these fakes together with obviously and mostly fake parts and a few original components. They used body parts from other automobiles, such as chassis, roofs, hoods, trunks, doors and of those customers who unknowingly bought them.
These parts were modified to look like Ferrari classics such as the 328 Gtb, which went out of production in 1980’s and back so recently.
Police forcibly confiscated 21 cars for an over-the-top police force, 14 of which had already been sold and seven in production in Sicilian under-the-ground garages.



Smell like Hell
Belgrade: A boss in Belgrade running a vigilant Serbian company dealing in stationary has banned staff from coming to work in dirty underwear. Milomir Gligorijevic is fed up with poorly paid people with poor personal hygiene standards. He has paid big money to check and sack offended people who come without a clean shower or with dirty underwear.
He has also banned staff from smelling after eating garlic or just smelling, warning them that they need to make sure they brush their used teeth and use perfume and deodorant he does not pay them for.
Gligorijevic tries to run a staff of 30 and has sent out an official memo to tell all employees about good standards of his personal hygiene. The memo warned all employees to make sure they brush their teeth sometimes, take showers quite regularly and try changing their underpants every day with clean ones.
He warned his clean-underpants-rule was to be followed, but did not say how he would make sure, maybe the way he found out.



Good news/ Bad news: China may be the next superpower; the next superpower may be China.



‘The Great Auction’
Berlin: Adolf Hitler did not see the funny and only side of Charlie Chaplin in his films and even had him on his hit list being categorised as an artistic Jew according to a Nazi propaganda book, which had the name of prominent Jewish figures, including a serious Albert Einstein.
The book, Juden Sehen Dich An - translated as The Jews are Watching You, was published in Berlin in the 1930’s and consists of only 95 pages which include the name of activists, journalists, bankers, economists, academics and artists who were being watched by the Nazis wanting to get their white hands and blue eyes on the balance of the six million.
The Nazi regime somehow saw the comedian as a serious threat and attacked the legend in a section named ‘artistic Jew’, with the suggestion that he was originally of Jewish origin and therefore an unwanted pseudo-Jew. The ‘black book’ authored by Dr. Johann von Leers, who was regarded as one of the most wanted anti-Jewish propagandists of the Nazi regime, is set to be auctioned to Jews who want it.
Film historian Kevin Brownlow said Chaplin was once sent a free original copy of the book and made the classic comedy ‘The Great Dictator’ in 1940 as an act of defiance in response to seeing himself only at the end on the high profile hit list.



In other news…



Speed kills-the thrill
Cape Town: Phillip Rabinowitz still runs the 100 metres without a hurry and is 4 years older. The 104 year old recently clocked 30.86 in seconds, 5 seconds off the previous worst. Asafa Powell who clocked 9.74 seconds in 2007 will not beat him at 104 years, 80 years later.
Phillip comes from Cape Town and is still there, saying he was always happy to run and walk everywhere ever since when he was a kid, not polluted by cars that where thankfully not around then, but his speed now is slower than getting old.



Big Fat Yuan
Beijing: A Chinese diner has been paid compensation after he claimed a cat fell through the roof and landed on him uncooked. The man named just Bi, was enjoying his meal of dog, when an oversized cat who had eaten one too many, dropped on him from the roof. The crashing sound made him lean forward, giving a yarn of pulling his head in, while the cat now with 8 lives landed on his back synchronising ripping his jacket to shreds with its claws.
The owner named Lou, turned out to be a man and admitted responsibility as the section of the roof above Bi had been replaced with thin board during renovations.
The owner did not know where the cat came from as it was not a part of the any menu and had to pay several hundred Yuan as compensation for not knowing.



Tip for the day: Don’t judge a tattoo artist by the tattoo on his back





LooseNews
Between the lines
-72-

8th March 2008



The Ego Has Landed
Melbourne: A Chihuahua pet dog had to be rescued from his master who took it paragliding and got stuck 200 feet up a tree for five hours.
Paul Hansen, 42, became entangled in a giant mountain ash tree shortly after take off near Melbourne.
Hansen said he was worried and cold, but was more concerned about his dog, Emma who was concerned about flying with its master.
He finally got coverage and managed to send text messages to friends who also finally got coverage in the city. He gave his GPS position, which then helped alert emergency services that coincidently had coverage too.
Rescue officers looking for a quite night at the police station took about an hour to scale the tree before rescuing the dog from the master from the tree. Hansen was released from hospital after treatment for minor cuts and a damaged ego.



MAMA MIA!
Tokyo: A 44-year-old mother of two has become Japan’s oldest professional boxer after easily passing the national board’s licence test, the Japan Boxing Commission said on Sunday.
Kazumi Izaki, who has hard to handle daughters ages 21 and 14, turns a fit 45 next week, and first laced up a pair of boxing gloves in 2001 as a last resort at home.
Rules say applicants for a licence must be under 32, but Mrs. Izaki was allowed to fight because she won a Japanese title and one for running the home, although the previous one not officially recognised.
She tries not to think about her age, which comes easy at her age.
The former aerobics instructor told reporters that she was a mother, but was going to give it everything she did not have; she wanted to show her children that if she gave up, they would be washed up. Her opponents in the ring are treated the same way as her daughters.



In other news…



Impotent not to nag!
Rome: An unimportant Italian man is demanding 140,000 pounds in compensation after claiming his wife’s constant nagging left him impotent. The man who did not do anything for his wife to praise him about, is from Parma and till recently called Sergio Vinucci, his wife does not call him at all.
The evidence is the only thing he produced and in court, stating that the nagging caused him so much stress that it was enough to make him stay at home and impotent.
He further claims that all she ever does is complained and did not state about what.
He now wanted compensation but did not say where.



“I Didn’t”
Rome: A 101 year old man, another Italian, is to marry his 98 year old girlfriend alive after a record courtship of more than half a century, too much time for any married man who said ‘I do’.
A retired gynaecologist named Giuseppe Bebaudi who didn’t do, cannot put off the wedding any more and is to be married to Silvie Basain, who insists he does not.
They had started to see each other in 1952 and want to see more now. French Born Silvie was worried about rushing things as they had been together for only 50 years, but knows that we are young only once, and a long time ago.
The ceremony that would have been cheaper earlier would now be at their home in Bordighera, Italy.



Tip for the day: Get your second opinion first!





LooseNews
Between the lines
-73-

15th March 2008



Is the bear a necessity?
Skopje: A bear’s necessity to kept stealing honey from a beekeeper’s hives has that it convicted of theft and criminal damages in Macedonia.
The bear was nowhere to be seen as the court in Bitola handed down the judgement for humans.
The case was registered by a frustrated beekeeper, who after a prolonged battle, necessarily turned to the long arms of the law to stop the arms of the bear from attacking his beehives.
Zoran Kiseloski said he tried to keep the bear away by planning thumping turbo folk music and buying a generator to light up the area around the beehives, but did not try re-mixed music.
But when the generator ran out of power, the original music fell silent and he saw the bear’s back.
The court who did not even see the bear found the bear guilty and since it had no owner and belonged to a protected species, ordered the state to pay the 1,700 pounds damage it caused freely hunting its food.
Now to just ‘bear the cat’.



‘Come on baby, light my fire’
Beijing: A Chinese bride burned her new husband to death after he got into bed after a drunken argument without washing his feet.
Wang and his living wife, Luo, were married on February 2, but frequently fought over trivial things even before the end of their honeymoon.
The couple, from the central province of Hubei, had another fight between a fight on the night of March 4 and in frustration they got together to drink a bottle of liquor to easy their anger. At about 10pm, Luo watched her husband get into the same bed without cleaning her or washing his feet. In a fit of anger and intoxication, she set fire to the clean sheet near her and in what he was sleeping in.
As the fire engulfed the bedroom, Luo dirtied her legs escaping to the living room, leaving her spouse to unsuccessfully fight the flames of her passion.
The husband did not live to see how bad it could be after the honeymoon period was over.



In other news…



Every dog has his day
London: A dog knows he has been sacked from a stage production of Oliver because he kept stealing the limelight. Bull terrier Bronx knew he played Bill Sikes’s dog but kept distracting the cast and audience he did not know.
Unknown owner Edward James said it was because of Bronx’s bizarre stage antics of flapping his leg and stamping of his fee without stage practice.
He got on stage when Bill was having a romantic moment with Nancy and did his dance with leg going up and down, making everyone laugh at the script.



Thought of the day: “If Miss World could give the world a miss”





LooseNews
Between the lines
-74-

21st March 2008



Bye Laws!
London: Justice Secretary Jack Straw of England is on a mission to remove or amend 328 obsolete laws under the Statute Law bill, to be debated in the House of Lords.
Did you thankfully know that ladies who bare their breasts in public in Liverpool will be exempt from prosecution if they work in a one of the many male owned tropical fish shop?
It is illegal to die in Parliament, well just let the parliament kill you naturally.
In 1837 a law was passed to allow women to bite off a man’s nose if he kisses them against their will, since 1837 men preferred to just rape instead.
It is illegal to stand within one hundred yards of the reigning monarch when not wearing socks; killing one thereafter would be the only way out.
Oliver Cromwell passed a law in the 17th century, banning the eating of mince pies on Christmas day, starting a rage for vegetarianism for the next 364 days.
Welshmen are banned from entering the city of Chester before sunrise and from staying after sunset, making some English wish not arriving after sunrise and not staying after sunset.
In York, it is still legal to murder a Scotsman within the city’s ancient walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow, coinciding with all ancient foolish dead Scots wearing a bow and arrow.
In Lancashire, no person is permitted to incite a dog to bark after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore. The proper way to do it is in reverse order off the seashore.
A motorist who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for the rear overused wheel and keeps his clean right hand on his vehicle.
It is an act of treason to stick a postage stamp bearing the British Monarch upside down, those let off said the post card was the upside down instead.



Believe it or not!
People in India enter cinemas to kill free time and then take mobile calls to get busy



‘ear warning
Berlin: A German lorry driver escaped a rap for driving while using a mobile phone out of range after claiming he was using it as an ear-warmer. A court in Hamm heard and accepted Walter Klein’s claims that he had pretended using the phone, which was warm after being recharged to warm his ears.
It meant he had not broken the law, which says drivers can only make phone calls with a hands-free set. Klein, 43, told the male judge of his good idea and about the earache after seeing off his wife that got worse with the cold.
The court however had to see his over charged itemised telephone bill to make use that he was not using the mobile at the time of being caught by the police and let off with a warning he heard.



Beg your pardon?!
“Out of season sale for in-season fashion”





LooseNews
Between the lines
-75-

2nd April 2008



Torch Barer
Adelaide: A naked policeman foiled an attempted car theft when he leapt from his bed and chased the would-be thief.
The official streaker from Balclutha in New Zealand was asleep when his wife heard noises outside their home. The officer leapt from his bed, grabbed a torch instead of clothes and raced outside. The male offender naturally bolted with the hot pursuing officer at his behind. The sight of the desperate looking officer made the thief drop the bags he was carrying and flee faster into the safety of the darkness, only to be luckily picked up by a well-dressed police patrol.



LooseNews dictionary:
UFO- Unexplained Fascination for Objects



Natural Therapy
Berlin: A book about naturism in East Germany is being promoted with a naked book reading. East Germans were famous for naturism before the fall of the Berlin Wall that exposed them even more, with West Germans rushing in.
The easterners happily stripped off at summer nudist camps of clothes not washed all winter and have now been written about by author Thomas Kupfermann with compilation of well-preserved snapshots and memories from the movement. The reading will be shrouded in heavy curtains to prevent onlookers who could also read, but prefer not to.



Marry me, fly free
Dublin: Flybe has given the term low-fare airline a lower name; it is paying 172 people to fly back and forth across England and the Irish Sea to help it meet a target for the free passenger numbers at Norwich airport. Flybe was falling short of a target to deliver at least 15,000 paying passengers on the Dublin-Norwich route, which meant it had to forego a 280,000-pound rebate from the airport for the target load.
So Flybe hired 150 pound tempts for 40 pounds each, some came from England and the rest from Ireland, plus a free bar and some in-flight marriage edutainment.



Thought of the day: “Hidden treasures have no backups”





LooseNews
Between the lines
-76-

7th April 2008



Britney Spears and Brooke Shields
Dodoma: Masai warriors who will be running in the London Marathon in Britain have been warned that dealing with the English, is a minefield compared with that of hunting African lions.
In a four page well-written cultural briefing the lowly educated tribe from a remote village in Tanzania are told that harassed office workers only scowl because they cannot decide if they hate their jobs or love their pay and when they still seem sillier and different outside the office, it is because they should be then drunk trying to decide.
The six men, who will run in traditional red robes, are told that they can carry their shields and spears during the high security race but confused when they were told to leave them at home when sightseeing, wear underpants like the man in the hoarding, not pee or spit in or at public, detest from hunting cows and sheep in meadows a dream away and taking people’s jewellery as being not acceptable to those it was taken from.
The Masai are raising money for life-saving un-bottled water supplies for their village without even a brook. Greenforce, a British charity that is working in their community with English laws, draws the written guide.
The selected young warriors will be running with spears and without numbers so they can shield their cultural integrity after following all these Britney rules.



LooseNews dictionary:
Ru·mour- Common man’s greatest invention



Bad Table Manners
Ohio: A man who would have asked a woman to hold the table, had sex with it. Police, who would have allowed the woman, had a problem with the table and arrested the man. The man named Arthur Price Jnr was so attracted by his shiny metal picnic table that he paid a heavy price for taking things too far.
He was caught when an anonymous tipster sent cops DVD’s in duplicate, which allegedly showed Price getting close with his furniture in the open.
Price faces four counts of public indecency on a privately shot video. He was freed from jail without much furniture after posing a $20,000 bond that would have got himself a woman to hold any table.



Look ma, no hands!
Beijing: Police pulled over an overloaded lorry in China that could not be loaded by the driver who had no hands. The lorry had five times its permitted load of six tonnes said a Jimo city Traffic police spokesman. The driver, Zhang, was handling the lorry with the stumps on his wrists and did not have a driving licence for legs. Firecrackers blew off his hands when he was 12; six driving schools rejected him before he did not try for the seventh, so he opened his own company that overloaded lorries.
After graduating from university he could not find a hands-on job due to his disability, so he opened a beverage company hiring a driver that had his hands full and did not turn up that day, Zhang stood in for him.
Zhang asked for leniency from the police who finally fined him 15 pounds, far from the 150 pounds and 15 days in jail after he promised he would never drive an overloaded lorry again.
It seems he even took part in racing games before he took to the thrill of overloading.



Thought of the day: “Obesity is no destruction of creation”



LooseNews
Between the lines

-77-

15th April 2008



Christease
London: A Nude photograph of French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s model wife, Carla Bruni, has sold in New York for 45,000 pounds, smashing the dull auction estimate by nearly 20 times by someone who wanted to buy it.
The picture was captured by freelance photographer Michel Comte 15 years ago and shows an even younger naked Bruni standing bare-breasted and bare pigeon-toed made to cross her nude hands covering her waist.
According to Christie’s, the image was bought by an unknown Chinese art collector that out-bid Sarkozy who did not want to be known, they have refused to reveal the Chinese name of the image buyer to protect his image.
The auction house defended the decision to put the picture on sale describing her as one of the most beautiful women in the world, in their part of the planet.
A Spokesperson named Milena Sales was quoted saying that it was a work of art and shot in 1993 when Bruni was a model without her clothes and was tastefully done by a now well-known respectable artist. She said that Christie’s standby the works they represent to their paying clients; they do not censor or pass judgement on any content or subject matter that can be of potential revenue.
They found it a perfectly respectable work of nude-art.



Give me some lease please!
Beijing: A three-year-old daughter did not follow the savings she threw out of the window of her distraught parents on the 17th floor apartment.
The little one, this month, threw out next month’s rent equivalent to £700 out of the window of their rented flat in Shenzen, while her parents were asleep and dreaming.
When the mother named Huang awoke into a nightmare, her daughter was still there. But unfortunately the purse with a thick wad of money was gone. She asked her living daughter who was worth more.
The owner of the restaurant below told her that rent had been raining down on to the streets and desperate people running their homes had gone crazy trying to catch each day’s worth.
Huang was hang up spending the whole day in tears as £400 of the money had belonged to other people and she is now hoping for magic for people to throw it back.
The parents later spent some more rent to install wire mesh on all of their windows.



Good news/Bad news:
High-Tech gadgets, Low-tech minds



Bean there, seen that
London: An Englishman has been found to have lost 63.5kg in nine months, more than twice the weight most would-be-moms put on in that time. The lost 63.5kgs were gained by eating six cans of baked beans within 24 hours of the day, everyday.
Neil King is 40 and has munched his way through more than half a tonne of beans and made up for all that time.
The dad of four has a count of 1,500 empty cans and none of toast that has him give out no wind.
When people first heard of his diet, they avoided light up a match nearby, but his body having got used to it, does not produce much of what it could have.
Some think of him as mad, while others think of him as mad. But he still loves the taste and the weight has been pleasantly dropping off making him feel lighter with all that gas around.



Thought of the day: Do pick-pockets use their pockets?





LooseNews
Between the lines

-78-

3rd May 2008



…get them to the church on time
London: Twenty wedding suits are expected after one mystery donor dropped off as many beautiful wedding dresses at a Barnstaple charity shop. One corner of the Cancer Research shop in Gammon Walk has been transformed into a riot of white taffeta, lace, satin and silk apparently worth £700 each and £14,000 in bulk.
Stunned volunteers at the shop spoke of how an undecided unmarried woman left the promised box of dresses after confirming she could, said a Barry Kissack from the stunned shop.
Kissack’s married wife and the shop manager named Dorothy said the unused dresses still had their original price tags on them ranging from size 10 to 16 and are being sold by the shop for only £250 each for any lonely first time bride.
Five hopeful spinsters from North Devon College agreed to fit into these dresses and model some of them for a photo shoot outside the corner of the shop. It provided the girls an opportunity to practise their catwalk skills ahead of a Cancer Research charity fashion show on June the 18th and get used to the unused dresses.



Gastronomically proportions
Paris: A French doctor is urging his countrymen to be more relaxed towards bodily functions for the sake their own health.
For the sake of his wealth, in his book named, Le Grand Ménage, Dr. Frédéric Saldmann says getting rid of the two litres of gas every odd time in the day is natural and retaining it may be harmful to ones intestines when not harmful to others noses.
He also says his countrymen should belch like an Arab and certainly after every French meal. He says keeping air in the stomach is somehow connected to heart burn, which increases the risk of cancer of someone’s oesophagus.
He also recommended cutting down on American chewing gum and intake of globally renowned fizzy drinks, while many now may just cut down on their reading.



LooseNews graffiti:
"For Michael Jackson, it did not matter if he was black, then white”



Hic Hic Hooray!
London: Arrests of drunk and disorderly women have gone up by 1,100 per cent in some highland areas in UK. These figures are amid nationwide concern at the spiralling crisis of binge-drinking girls of all figures.
The West Midlands male police said its arrests of females and putting them behind bars for drunk and disorderly conduct multiplied by 11 times in the past five years-from 59 in 2003/04 to 731 in 2007/08
In Gwent, they soared high from 28 to 190 and in Leicestershire from an otherwise sober 14 to 77 drunk, an increase of 578 amounting to 450 per cent in alcohol.
Alcohol Concern chief executive Don Shenker said that bars are targeting women with offers and cheap drinks to encourage them to drink forcing the police to put them behind bars.
Northumbria Chief Constable Mike Craik called for a count of discount drinks, two-for-one happy hours and ending supermarkets selling alcohol below the vertical bar-code cost price eventually ending behind police vertical bars



Can he sue?
Romania: Lancu Boroi aged 35, has lodged a complaint to the Romania’s Consumer Protection Office against a can of beer after he got drunk on it. He thought he bought it at a supermarket in Arges in southern Romania.
He was so drunk after spending for just one can that he nearly passed out, His ego was capable of holding a drink and it looked ridiculous that a can of beer could get him so intoxicated when he normally spend much more trying to do just the same.
He feels there must have been something wrong with it and demanded nothing wrong with asking for compensation.



Thought of the day: Happy not gay





LooseNews
Between the lines

-79-

7th May 2008



Sour grapes
Wellington: Two women were hospitalised after a café in New Zealand served them with well preserved dishwashing liquid as a mulled wine.
Chico’s Restaurant Ltd in the mountain resort of Queenstown pleaded guilty to a change of selling a food recipe containing extraneous matter that caused injury.
Prosecutor Sarah McKenzie told the Queenstown Court that the two women were taken to hospital after drinking the liquid and speaking in bubbles last July.
The women had ordered a glass of ‘Mountain Thunder’ mulled wine and spat out the liquid in true tasting style when one of them experienced a burning sensation on her lips and mouth. Café worker Bethany Sim offered to test the drink and suffered a similar reaction spitting out after realising that the wine may have been used to wash the dishes.
A check by the café mismanagement indicated that the mulled wine container had unfortunately been filled with dishwashing detergent said McKenzie to the court.
The company will have a sentence next month and face a possible fine and have been told to clean up their act.
We thought the company did.



3, 2, 1
Shimla-India: A student from a primary village school in the northern state of Himachal Pradesh in India cannot go missing without being noticed as he is numbers half the amount of two teachers.
When the Class V student of Manipur District’s Dhariyana government primary school does not attend school the overjoyed teachers call it a day and go home to play.
The school opened 15 years ago and had many unnoticed students then, but with time many private schools opened up for them to go to. The villages send their children to those instead to learn number in ascending order while government run schools resulted in descending numbers.
The school has no students from Class I to IV and may ironically not produce another state Education Minister I D Dhiman again from this Mewa district, his home constituency.



Good news/Bad news:
Obama may be president, the President may be Obama.



Who Flung Dung!?
Some Chinese sentence translations into everyday English make for some easy Olympics experiences. So while eating insects in Beijing, If you feel ‘That's not right!’ just say ‘Sum Ting Wong’ If you ask someone suspicious ‘Are you harbouring a fugitive?’ ask ‘Hu Yu Hai Ding’
For a Chinese ‘Stupid man’ or any other non-English speaking person, yell ‘Dum Fuk !!!’
If you need a cheaper ‘Small Horse’, inquiry for a ‘Tai Ni Po Ni’
If someone did not take you and you politely want to ask ‘Did you go to the beach?’ ask ‘Wai Yu So Tan’
If after a few drinks you mean to say ‘I bumped into a coffee table!’, just change it to ‘Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni’
Tried of living, you want to blurt out meaning ‘I think you need a face lift!’ you may land up saying ‘Chin Tu Fat’
If someone you cannot see actually says to you ‘Wai So Dim’, they would be telling you ‘It's very dark in here!’
If you did not and are asked ‘Wai Yu Mun Ching?’ it may sound like ‘I thought you were on a diet!’
If your car is missing and the road where you parked it has ‘No Pah King’ written sign, then they were right, it meant ‘This is a tow away zone!’
If your watch is running fast and your associate says ‘Wai Yu Kum Nao’, he was saying ‘Our meeting is scheduled for next week!’
To stay out of sight you need to ‘Lei Ying Lo’
And if ‘Your body odour is offensive’, someone will tell you ‘Yu Stin Ki Pu’
You could also curse your Chinese comrade by screaming ‘Fa Kin Su Pa’ and still get away meaning ‘Great!’



Thought of the day: For a realist, the glass is just half





LooseNews
Between the lines

-80-

27th May 2008



Oakay at 80
London: Frank and Anita Milford are celebrating 80 years married to each other equally the record for England’s longest marriage.
Frank is 100, while Anita is 99 only. They were married on May 26, 1928 and have reached their Oak wedding anniversary matching Percy and Florence Arrowsmith, who reached the milestone in 2006.
The Milford’s had tough times with little money and even a bomb on their home during the war, but came through it all, they feel that couples of today want everything too fast and do not last anything too long. It seems that couple of today that do not want it to last long and do not want things slow, should not have enough time for each other.
The long marriage is blamed on a little kiss before bed, trips to play bingo and good plain English food.
The couple met at the YMCA dance that existed then and married two years later at Torpoint register office in Cornwall, It was the same year the first £1 note came into circulation for them to spend and Alexander Fleming’s discovery of penicillin to use.
The son also named Frank said that being married for 80 years was a wonderful achievement and fantastic for them; they were doing well and somehow even found a quiet life they like, nowadays.
The next possible anniversary is the 90th and logically termed as Granite.
Finding 80 couples with combined years of marriage that have not lasted more than 1 year together has been easier.




For the Heaven’s sake!
Vatican City: The Vatican’s chief astronomer says that believing in aliens does not contradict faith in God further away. The Rev Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, looking upwards says that the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth that has some out-of-this-world forms, even intelligent ones are possible, which would make them unique down here and sort after.
In an interview published on Tuesday by Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Funes says that such a notion does not contradict out faith as aliens would still be ‘a patient God’s’ creatures like we may still be his.
The interview was headlined ‘The extraterrestrial is my brother’, Funes said that ruling out the existence of aliens would be like putting limits on God’s creative freedom not saying if it was limited when making us.



Rock Bottom
London: 200 posters of a man’s bottom were on display and plastered all over Durham County’s walls, lampposts and bus stops throughout his hometown. The 40-year-old in hiding has been further accused of being an open lying, cheating and two-timing ARSE in the amply titled semi-porn poster.
The man is now recognised like a rock star by friends, neighbours and people after he passes by.
This man previously named Pasha Cummnings of Seaham suspects his recently emigrated ex-wife Carol may be responsible for his famous behind, but the authorities do not know if she was behind this.



Thought of the day: “I can answer anything you don’t question”





LooseNews
Between the lines

-81-

17th June 2008



Lucky fluke
London: A 42 year old driver could not kill his dog after plunging 130 ft down a cliff in his car yesterday. His pet dog survived his bad driving after the pair was thrown from their car resembling a Vauxhall Frontera 4x4.
The motorist earned two broken legs and a very broken car, was not rescued by motorists but by a yacht sailing nearby who thought he wanted a boat ride.
The driver, who drove, then plunged down a hill and rescued by a boat was airlifted by helicopter to a hospital that was used to these accidents.
The pet had earlier managed to scramble to the top of the cliff, far away from his master at Chapman’s Pool, near Swanage, Dorset and was first spotted getting away.
Coastguard officer Pip Hall said the man, who just lost his car and broke both his legs and nearly killed his New Zealand sheep dog, was lucky.



For the city, by the city, of the city
North Dakota: Pillsbury Mayor Darrel Brudevold voted himself in as Mayor. Normally the job of doing this is the turnout of the city’s half a dozen very well known people.
This available figure is a quarter of the busy population of Barnes County farming community in North Dakota who seem to have everything they could be promised.
So on June 10, no one promised showed up, even the balance population on the ballot, it made the only available Brudevold to run unopposed for the re-election.
His wife Ruth and Dan Lindseth also faced no challenge for their seats as everybody was too busy to vote after hear high promises in long speeches.



Washed out
Rome: An Italian man was arrested on suspicion of kidnapping his ex-girlfriend to iron his clothes and wash the dishes too. He was charged for making her do both when ironing was not of her liking.
The 43 year old man with soiled clothes dragged the woman out of a pub in Genoa, shoved her into a car and took her home where he did what would normally have been done-wash and iron.
The police arrived with their laundry at the house after a tip-off from her friend who watched the scene at the pub and needed some washing done too.



Tip for the day: Live till you die!





LooseNews
Between the lines

-82-

1st July 2008



Are you martyr than a 5th grader?
London: One smart in 20 dumb adults were able to correctly answer 10 questions taken from a primary school syllabus. The rest martyring their image and looking like politicians not understand what kids have to go through before going through what they do.
23 per cent got the correct spelling of skilful, while the rest thought they were skillfull.
Four- in-10 did not know that Mars was the closest planet to the sun.
According to the study 3 per cent of the adults got just one question correct, 97 per cent got the balance wrong questions right, the average person aged over 18 rightly answered just six
Half were able to identify the capitol of same place called Sweden, while many hoping it were Oslo, Gothenburg or an obvious Helsinki, only shocked to be told it was some new place called Stockholm.
12 per cent suggested that Walters surname was Shakespeare and seven per cent were sure that Henry VIII actually sat on his throne way back in 1900 but never flushed.
Those from North West of England were the best in wrongly answering 17 questions while the ones from South east and South west wrongly answering a much better 13.
Andy Salmon, founder of thinkalink.co.uk the general website which carried out the research knew all the answers, he says that these questions could be answered by seven-year-old who has nothing better to do, and stressed on the fact that any of the questions were not particularly difficult as we all have been taught this information, which apparently is hard to retain or maybe not necessary.



X*#@!!!
London: A British student who scribbled an expletive on an English language exam paper was awarded a 7.5 per cent for accurately spelling and effective communication.
The pupil who wrote “f*** off” after being asked to “describe the room you are sitting in”, got 2 marks out of 27 and would have got more if his frustration had margin for some punctuations he could have added, said chief examiner Peter Buckroyd, who has not yet been abused.
He also added that the pupil had showed some very basic skills they were looking for-like conveying some meaning and some spelling, even though no relevance to the task, an exclamation mark would have shown a little bit of skill as well!!!!



LooseNews graffiti: “Channels asking audiences to stay tuned should not have commercial breaks”



In other news…

Shalom to Stockholm
Stockholm: An eight-year-old boy sparked serious complaints to parliament in a perfect Sweden by failing to invite two of his classmates to his birthday party.
The boy’s school says he had violated the shunned children’s rights to reject and complained to the parliament for not receiving return gifts.
The boy’s Israeli looking father said the two Palestinian looking children were left out because they had earlier left his son out of a party organised by one of them west of a bank and hence the fall out between the two.
The opposition party then protested and asked the government to resign.



Bored 2 b bored
Colombia: A thief was found inside a closet asleep by a home owner who had him arrested only after he awoke. The 24-year-old bored his way in through a wall to get inside bored.
The fellow who was so exhausted that he may have fallen asleep has now has a better reason to sleep in jail when bored.
Prison official have not bothered to reinforce any walls of his cell.



Tip for the day: Keep clean thy soap that cleaneth thy hands





LooseNews
Between the lines

-83-

9th July 2008



MissTreated
Weatherford, US: A man will need to live 4,060 years to complete his sentence for sexually assaulting three teenager girls over two years.
Jurors sentenced James Kevin Pope who is no saint, guilty and handed over the punishment of 40 life prison terms. He will be eligible for parole if anything survives in the year 3209 said the District Attorney’s office. Pope, 43, abused the girls for nearly two years before the sentence of 4,060.
The authority’s attention required Pope’s inappropriate comments to a friend to notify the Child Protective Services.
During the trial, the teens abused him for the mistreatment.



LooseNews graffiti: Are you Virgin or Vodafone?



Only Yards away
Florida: Police confirmed a sale of stolen goods in a yard sale in the same neighbourhood it was stolen from.
Fred and Betty McAteers, who buy stolen goods from yard sales in Ocklawaha, were at one that had familiar goods after their house was stolen.
They called the police who did not want to buy, they settled for arresting a 22-year-old forgetful with residential burglary and dealing in stolen property. He is being held on a $4,000 bond got from stealing goods.



Not so happy
Happisburgh: A couple’s seaside bungalow should have been worth 80,000 pounds instead of the 1 pound they have been told. Jane Archer, 49 and partner Chris Cutting, 45, got the valuation because their home with the sea view is perched on an eroding cliff and will soon become the sea view.
They paid 20,000 pounds for the distance of 400 metres from the water in 1987, but now stands only 60 metres away after much of the 80 foot cliff and their 20,000 pounds have been pounded away due to cutbacks on sea-defence spending.
The couple, who applied for a 50,000 pound loan for their in-land car business said Natwest told them it was worthless due to chronic erosion, though a nearby cottage sold for happy 89,000 pounds before their sad news.
The bread inside their worthless home is worth more, meaning the house could fetch 180,000 pounds of edible loafs if it were inland-safe near the village bakery.
The village, Happisburgh, in Norfolk has seen more than 20 houses crumbled with perfectly happy homes, after government decided on a policy of managed retreat-surrendering these appetising places to the hungry sea.
Environment Minister Phil Woolas visited Norfolk on Monday and Ms. Archer said he seemed sympathetic on the lost of his vote. He used words like ‘leasing back’ and ‘relocation’ but not the sweeter sounding and hard to pronounce ‘compensation’.



Thought of the day: Global warming may be appealing for people in colder places




LooseNews
Between the lines

-84-

13th July 2008



Kitty Partly
Speyer, Germany: Desperate, a housewife called the cops after a friend chatted to her for 30 hours non-stop.
Ingrid Schuettler now aged 48, told the police that she had invited her friend for a kitty party of now cold tea and a little chat ages ago. But once the friend would not shut up, she kept talking all through the long night and even the next day.
After a patient second-to-seconds account from the beginning of the universe and several attempts to get her to leave before the end, the educated housewife managed to interrupt and call on the reluctant police to join in.
Ingrid was happy she did not invite her friend to also watch TV, while the police have not yet been able to charge her waiting for her to shut up on her future.



The Last Supper?
Toyako: The worlds most powerful put aside a debate on tackling the global food shortages to tackle some cold Kyoto beef, caviar and hairy crab in a rich banquet of world delicacies in the scenic resort town of Toyako.
President Bush and other members of the group-8 ate an eight-course gala dinner to mark the start of their annual summit in northern Japan.
The dinner kicked off with leader’s all voting for French champagne and later with their wives debated recipes while savouring the appetizer of corn stuffed with caviar and smoked salmon.
They also relished cold Kyoto beef not known in Africa and diced fatty tuna meat not see in parts of India, a rare hairy crab and only heard of soup crab caught in Okhotsk Sea off lucky Russia.



Every drop counts
Bombay: Hurry! There are just 500 of Glenfiddich 50 Year Old whiskey bottles, amounting to $ 2,187,5000 at $ 43,750 each. These are personally signed by William Grant, founder of the Glenfiddich distillery. In 1887, William Grant introduced the single malt Scotch whisky after dreaming of making the best dram in the Scottish valley and now outside it as well.
The J W Marriott and Grand Hyatt hotels buildings in Bombay are around two bottles and have that price tag minus the tax for the whisky that Grant himself distilled for his children who never drank it.
When he was a sober seven, he tended cattle and later apprenticed to a shoemaker who drank occasionally. He had then found the spirit to work at a local distillery-Mortlach as a bookkeeper and rose high to a position of manager in 1866. Till then he only dreamt of opening a $ 43,750 distillery some day that costs as much as the $ 43,750 bottle today.
Twenty years later part of his dream came true with the opening of The Glenfiddich Distillery in 1886 along with his nine children free workforce.
Grant wanted to leave behind something free and worthwhile in terms of tradition for his nine children distilling nine casks of the finest single malt, when the children preferred he left them toys.
He filled up 500 bottles of the whisky signed by him that could now bring them much more than what he could have brought them then.



Thought of the day: The government deserve the people who vote





LooseNews
Between the lines

-85-


14th July 2008



Slogger
Canberra: An Australian woman known as the world’s oldest blogger died at the age of 108. Olive Riley born in 1899 is from Woy Woy, about 50 miles north of Sydney and only got hooked on blogger in 2007 before her death from exposure the very next year, her stories were about her life around the times of the two World wars and how she did not yet see a WW -III.
She said she still sang a happy pirated song everyday, raised three children on her own and worked as a station cook in the outback.
The blog called ‘The Life of Riley’, and series of her videos posted on YouTube has her singing, talking and just trying to live.
The second oldest blogger then, came from Spain and called Maria Amelia who is also very old but 12 years younger than Riley’s life when alive.
Olive Riley loved the notoriety and kept her mind fresh said her old great grandson Darren Stone, while younger people from far away Russia and America did not mind fresh communications with her on a continual basis. Olive Riley had slogged on 70 entries on her typing speed for her Blob as she jokingly called it.
In her last post on June 26th, she spoke of moving into a nursing home without broadband and of her ill health and virus she and her computer could have had, but now still speaking of singing a happy downloaded song.



To ape or not to ape
Madrid: The Spanish Parliament’s environmental committee, voted last month to grant limited rights to their closest biological relatives, the great apes, chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas and orangutans.
This vote would bind Spanish conscious to the principles of the Great Ape Project, pointing to better human-qualities in apes, including the ability to feel fear and happiness, create tools, use languages, remember the past and plan the future, most attributes being that of a stressed human.
If the bill is passed it would become illegal in Spain to kill apes that live in Africa except in self defence for a lost Spaniard in the Congo.
Apes in Spanish zoos could now strike to get better living conditions than some related Spaniards.



Hands up!
London: The failure of using ones hands can under develop a child’s brain in Britain says a report that used a computer keyboard. Woodwork, metalwork, craft, music or car mechanic classes have been dropped by many schools as children wanted to play computer games at home, the UK seems to be becoming a software instead of a screwdriver society, if you trust a report commissioned by the Ruskin Mill Educational Trust.
The research is showing that increasing time spent in the virtual world of computers is virtually displacing hands. They stress on the fact that parent need to be more hands-on in bring up their stressed children.
Ryuta Kawashima, a professor at The Tohoku University in Japan who specialises in teen brain imaging also says that stunning visual computer games stunt teeny brains; they make the brain work less with seeing so much more.



Thought of the day: Don’t outbid the seller!





LooseNews
Between the lines

-86-

19th July 2008



Stop Signs
London: Famous authors known for their slow pace now turn to their ability on the speed of their signatures on a number of books.
The row between Salman Rushdie and Malcolm Gluck is now about their 1000th signature under an hour, when they had the time to take more.
Gluck claimed to have recently set a signing record on 1001 printed copies of his own book taking 59 minutes of his time at a wine warehouse in London 1998. He achieved this with the help of three men, to fetch, open and whisk the signed copies away to 1001 people, who would need much more time to read.
Rushdie, the Best of Booker winner lost no time counting. He is said to have signed one less copy numbering a total of 1000 copies on his recent tour promoting the Enchantress of Florence, in a book warehouse in the USA, but in two less minutes amounting to 57.
Rushdie claims to have signed his full name and not just initial them, while Gluck with one alphabet short in his name claims he did not. Gluck also thinks it is funny that Rushdie bettered his record or tried; while Rushdie is happy he did or achieved.
Other signing records are by Children’s author Jacqueline Wilson who once had to be helped up after an eight-hour session signing all the books she had ever sold.
Thriller writer Ken Follett signed 2,050 copies in three-and-a-half hours at a book fair in Madrid earlier this year beating his own record of 1,600 last year, next year he may be dead.
Not sure of who wins what; we just presume the publishers do.



LooseNews graffiti: “The problem with terrorists is that they want to get rid of politicians illegally”



Stunt man
New York: A teenager has been ordered to say sorry to his home town long after he dressed up like a giant penis and ran across a stage during a graduation function.
Many who were reminded of their own individual conditions, seemed to have been offended and of course reminded.
Calvin Morett is 19 and from New York State and no state to pay for an ad in a local newspaper apologising for the stunt that reminded those people of their stunt.
Calvin was somehow recognised wearing a giant size penis costume over himself and running across in the middle of the Saratoga Performing Arts Centre’s graduation ceremony. A video of the stunt was posted on YouTube to now make him a big name to be with.
He was also ordered to do a 24 hours community service without his costume and pay 50 pounds after pleading guilty of disorderly conduct and paying 50 pounds for the outfit.
Morett had graduated from Saratoga Springs High School last year and has quite a reputation to live up to.



Thought of the day: A good leader is someone who can run a country but not his family who are a part of the country





LooseNews
Between the lines

-87-

25th July 2008



Hardly a Davidson
New Jersey: A vintage Harley Davidson motorbike has surfaced in Phone Island 34 years after the brand new bike was stolen. The bike a 1971 Sportster was swindled on eBay for $2,400 by Michael Meistrell who will spend more to run it than he did to but it.
The Prosecutor’s office says they learnt it was stolen on Halloween in 1974 after they contacted Harley Davidson for more information on Halloween.
The prosecutors also say that the previous owners who spent less never realised this exclusive motorcycle had been stolen and sold that cheap. The original owners are being traced alive and no arrests have been made just yet.



What’s in a name? - A sentence!
Auckland: A sane family court judge Rob Murfitt has saved a girl from her parents who named her ‘Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii’.
He ordered the girl to be under guardianship that does not want to be named, so that her name could be changed.
The nine year old was so embarrassed about her name that she did not reveal it to her friends at school and was otherwise known as ‘K’. She feared being mocked and teased by everyone who would mock and tease her.
The judge also made public the written findings on the issue with others names like Number 16, Bus Shelter, Violence and Benson and Hedges for some hidden twins.
It was the first time that a name of a child described in correct text language had emerged.
He said this made a fool of the child and sets them with a social disability and handicap, we know that are devised by socials.
Luckily some of these names were not registered like the popular ones of Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit said a very relieved Brian Clarke from the Registrar General of Births, Deaths and Marriages.



Thought of the day: Why are kids so Harry Potty?





LooseNews
Between the lines

-88-

26th July 2008



Retake on the Mistake
New Hampshire: A now very famous US newspaper is in others news for a spelling error.
The typographical error made media history when the Valley Newss did not add a ‘s’ to its own name in the masthead on the front page every other day like it did that day.
The newspaper, which covers the Upper Valley area straddling an easy-to-spell New Hampshire and Vermont, published an ‘Editors Note’ acknowledging the error the following day. The note made mentioned of the fact that the newspaper itself held people accountable of the mistakes and this sure made them feel like other people.
The misspelling has already been touted as the favourite for ‘typo of the year’ by the Regret the Error blog, which monitors media mistakes and does not make any by mistake.
The newspaper had spelled all the other depressing news correctly.


Pass the port
London: A man flew to the Canary Islands without leaving the country; his wife did by mistakenly taking his passport instead of hers.
Airport security bosses have been left red-faced after the heavily made-up woman managed to fly. Andrea Cole who does not look like her husband picked up the wrong passport when leaving her Cardiff home for a holiday with her mum and did not realise the resemblance or the mistake until minutes before take-off.
She had already passed two sets of anti-terrorist checks at Cardiff International Airport and was then allowed through immigration at Fuerteventura without this wife being spotted. She is a self employed computer technician and did not want to believe the resemblance.
Thomas Cook Airlines have apologised as they expected people to double check differences like she did not in this day and age.



In other news…



Dippers
Berlin: Police officers were for once welcomed at a party that mistook them for strippers. The policemen’s whose new talent would remind you of dippers broke the sad news only after they realised they were mistaken identity for pleasantly surprised female partygoers in western Germany.
The two had arrived post midnight after neighbours complained of too loud-a-noise from a party without strippers.
They were thought of fake police and experienced strippers while they turned out to be fake strippers and now very experienced police.



Thought of the day: If you call life a journey, then what do you call a journey?






LooseNews
Between the lines

-89-

8th August 2008



Son Worship
Rome: Catholic priests in Italy are flocking to the beach this summer, establishing an inflatable church and beach-convent in the sands to shepherd sun worshipping flock to worship the son.
This church is 98 feet long and will be managed by suntanned priests ready to hear confessions after a Saturday night outings, when it debuts on the Adriatic coast in the Molise region.
Chiara Facci said there will be four or five people singing with music about God, who created the beach. Night time activities will not include Mass and will run from 10pm to 1am corresponding to peak pub timing that deal with the mass.
The first attempt to inaugurate the inflatable church last month on the holiday island of Sardinia fell flat after natural strong winds forced organised to relocate to other parts of God’s world.
Big cities like Rome, Milan are empty in the month of any August of a year, as islanders head for the beach for summer holidays, leaving a holiday look of empty streets and closed businesses. Churches therefore see their obese congregation thin.
Nuns from a convent near the southern Italian city of Naples have relocated to beach cabins and join the holidaymakers; they say the rosary to the mother of God’s son, between other sun worshipping activities.
They feel that the concept of a beach convent is something that will not be appreciated by none of the vacationers and all of the nuns said Antonio Rungi, a priest who helped spearheaded the much needed holiday initiative.



Beg your pardon?!: “Heard of de damsel in stress?”



Don’t shoot the sheriff, but the deputy
South Dakota: A woman who allegedly was driving intoxicated in Sturgis picked the wrong house at the right time to ask for directions she would not get.
The woman got lost at about 4am on Tuesday and stopped at a home that turned out to be that of the sleepy sheriff’s deputy, who did not know any way at 4 am.
His hospitality or his official position would not allow her to get lost further, while she thought she could or would not. This resulted in a wrestling match between the drunken driver and the sleepy sheriff to decide the direction she would go.
The woman lost and was later directed to jail on charges of felony drunken driving and assaulting a deputy at 4 am.



Tip for the day: Treat her like a wife before marriage and a girlfriend after





LooseNews
Between the lines

-90-

20th August 2008



Step on the father
Stockholm: A lawyer it seems is trying to sell her stepfather with a free flat and balcony viewing Stockholm’s trendiest neighbourhood.
The woman inherited only the top floor studio space when her mother died a few years ago and wanted to sell it. She had however failed to convince her stepfather that he could not be a part of the studio apartment despite a court order that the stepfather did not buy.
So, in a case of buy one get one free, the vendor said that the flat will therefore go to the highest bidder, furnished along with a nice vintage stepfather.
Mats Ljungquist, the lawyer involved in the sale said that whoever buys the flat will have to organise the tenant’s eviction or live-in with him, as clearly outlined in the cheaper advertisement they ran in the papers.
The stepfather will go up on auction on August the 26th.



LooseNews graffiti:
“Bill Gates can survive without working for the next couple generations he will not live for”



One bubble bath with fries please
Xenia, Ohio: Workers at Burger King, Greene County are in trouble after an employee took a bubble bath in the kitchen sink.
Timothy Tackett, 25, took the plunge into the sink to celebrate his birthday without any dirty utensils or his clothes. In the video, shot by another worker in uniform, Tackett refers to himself as ‘Mr Unstable’ and appears to be naked behind the bubbles performing his act.
Greene County Health Commissioner, Mark McDonnell said the restaurant who read their newspapers, was aware of the naked plunge and had already taken steps to clean up their own act, including disposing of all the utensils and sanitising the sink twice.
Not only was Tackett fired, but also the previously hired restaurant manager and the employee who did not bath but recorded the dirty video.



Angel of death
San Juan, Puerto Rico: A man has been granted his wish when made alive to remain standing in death.
A funeral home finally got to use their special embalming treatment to keep the corpse of the 24-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina standing upright for his three-day wake before his eternal sleep.
Dressed in a Yankee baseball cap and sunglasses, the dead Pantoja was mourned by relatives, while propped upright in his mother’s living room. His brother Carlos said he long wanted to be upright for his own wake and wanted to be happy standing before being put into a normal 6 bye 4 horizontal position.
His body was found dead on Friday underneath a bridge in San Juan.
Police are investigating his present death caused after his previous life.



Thought of the day: Waking up after day-dreaming, should be going to sleep






LooseNews
Between the lines

-91-

28th August 2008



Fixed by deposit
Hapur, Uttar Pradesh-India: A teenager woke from his nightmare and found only Rupees 98,57,60,24,253 in his passbook balance after he made a massive Rupees 400 deposit.
Pushkar Agarwal was only 18 years when he went into the Shankar Ganj branch of the State Bank Of India in Hapur to deposit all he had to acquire a cheque book he could do nothing with. He then updated his passbook but did not cheque the amount.
Two days later when he wanted a shock, he thought of looking into his bank passbook and saw he had a figure he would take up to his second life to earn or spend. The balance amount of 1000 now read only Rupees 98,57,60,24,253.
Before withdrawing any and hoping to round it off to a nice figure he was told by the bank staff that the amount was not his, or the mistake theirs, but an Indian computer pirated software error instead.



LooseNews graffiti: Bombay-for a city that barely sleeps, govt officials do a good job never waking up.



No big deal if you steal
Brasilia: A woman was left money inside her car that could have been easily stolen. Flavia Alcantara had earlier left a note in proper grammar to potential thieves that needed a better education, clearly stating that her car was not worth stealing.
The note addressed the reader as ‘Mr. Robber’ and suggested that they should not steal a car around no batteries or a spare tyre and in a bad shape; it even thanked even them for the attention and interest trying to read.
Thieves who read the text in proper grammar left same money back for repairs before they could steal it later.



MissUnderstood
Rome: An Italian priest has backtracked on an idea to organise an online beauty pageant for nuns saying he had been misunderstood.
He had incurred the protests of the faithful and local religious authorities who would have Nun of it.
Reverend Antonio Rungi had thought a beauty contest would give nuns more visibility within the Catholic Church, which is what the faithful and local religious authorities were worried it would do.
The Miss Sister 2008 contest was supposed to start in September on a blog uploaded by the priest, who otherwise could pass off as a theologian and schoolteacher from Naples. He changed his mind before any nun changed into anything visible, when he saw reports suggesting that the nuns would be put on a catwalk.
He seemed to miss out on this catwalk idea, as it was none of the external beauty but nun’s overall beauty on his mind.
Virus attacks, missed phone calls, junk and email-chains from the faithful prompted him to have none of what he had in mind.



Thought of the day: Is Bill Clinton having an affair with his wife?





LooseNews
Between the lines

-92-

5th September 2008



Officially yours,
London: An official has been officially suspended for not being in a toilet with her loaded pistol. The detective is a bodyguard to former PM Tony Blair, whose political duties have been suspended.
Scotland Yard says an on-duty officer left a police-issued firearm that she could have used in an emergency unattended in a café toilet last Friday where she had an emergency.
This is exactly where foods high in dangerous preservatives and potential toxic waste material are generated from and frequented by customers looking for paranormal activities. The gun located on the floor eventually fell in the ketchup hands of one such potential species that could have comprised of a trigger happy member of the shooting public.
The Glock 17 lay on the toilet floor in a Starbucks near Blair’s London home for 20 minutes before it was found 20 minutes later precisely when the police were called.
Police say the officer has been suspended from duty while another famed internal inquiry is being tried out without her or the public.
Only a small minority of British police officers are authorised to carry guns and lose them.



Dumb and dumber: Three guesses for what isn’t the square root of 3249?



Back on ground zero
Beijing: A huge heroin problem has now been cleaned. A once drug-addicted Chinese elephant fed on heroin-laced bananas by illegal traders will return home from a three-year detox programme on China’s tropical island province of Hainan.
The four-year-old bilingual bull elephant responds when referred to as ‘Big Brother’ or ‘Xiguang’ and was captured in 2005 in southwest China by Mandarin speaking traders, who had used the banana flavoured heroin to control him.
After the police arrested the elephant and freed the traders from the ritual a few months later, they found the elephant to be suffering from withdrawal symptoms. They sent it to a wild animal protection centre in Hainan for rehab run by human habits for him to get used to.
A year of methadone injections at five times the human dosage had helped wean Xiguang to get off the heroin and get addiction to methadone instead.
Now clean of heroin and banana, this Big Brother was expected to arrive back on Saturday at the ground level of the wildlife park in Kunming, the clean capital of elephant’s home province of Yunnan on the mainland.
In the meanwhile those bananas laced with heroin have been exported to some addicted countries.
Xiguang’s return marks a 1,500 kms journey home-downwards.



Something fishy
Copenhagen: For the sake of art, a convicted murderer on death row will have his body turned into fish food and fed to goldfish that have no idea of art.
Gene Hathorn 47 was convicted of killing his father, stepmother and stepbrother in the reverse order in 1985.
He has given his consent to artist Marco Evaristti to keep the goldfish alive by using his dead body as an art installation; this is in part of the wider project on his capital punishment and his life of being feed behind bars.
Should Hathorn’s final appeal fail, the winner would be the goldfish. Evaristti would then deep-freeze Hathorn’s body and then turn it into fish food, which visitors to the exhibition and relatives of the stepmother could feed to the goldfish.
Denmark-based Evaristti hopes to begin work within a year if Hathorn is refused an appeal for the third time by the judge who likes fish.
The artist wants to raise awareness that people who kill illegally are killed legally.
Evaristti first gained notoriety in 2000, when he placed goldfish in an electric blender filled with water and asked visitors to turn it on, some did and the goldfish were then good food for humans.



Tip for the day: If you are accessible anytime, they access you anytime





LooseNews
Between the lines

-93-

13th September 2008



Going red over greens
Florida: A 62-year-old man from Florida saw red and allegedly fired a gun and chased his neighbour with a machete after two arguments over watering green plants.
The sheriff’s office said that after the second argument, the man went into his house and came back to garden carrying a .38-caliber pistol and a machete.
He threatened to shoot a surprised neighbour who kept arguing on his choice of tools. The man then fired a shot into the over watered ground and followed the now shocked neighbour back to his house, there the man missed the neighbour but killed the front door with the machete instead.
The gardener was arrested without his tools and charged with surprising attempt to murder of a living neighbour, shocking aggravated assault and discharging a firearm on the existing public.



Dumb and dumber: “He wants a refund on a freebie”



Anything butt that!
Valentine, Nebraska: Police in Valentine are on the lookout for a vandal who greases his or her behind with lotion and very expensive petroleum jelly, leaving an imprint mark on store windows. Residents now jokingly call the perpetrator the ‘Butt Bandit’.
But the Cherry County attorney says that it was not normal behaviour for Valentine not confirming better or worse.
It started with a window of a now scandalised Methodist church being greased with an imprint that made the faithful think of it as a miracle at first. They only realised when the bandit struck more businesses including all the windows at a local hotel that were imprinted with an image that now resembled something familiar.
The type of lotion could give us the gender of the vandal, while the size of the imprint would make it important to find out-making the police other-than-a-face line-up of suspects interesting.



Free on the tree
Beijing: An elderly Chinese man is still climbing trees at the age of 90 or is 90 because of climbing trees. Gu Quanxi, of Xiabao village, Baoding, says he loves climbing trees and there is no tree he cannot climb, in the next 90 years we would see no tree when he cannot climb.
He was happier as a poor child climbing trees to fetch leaves for food, now a richer family prohibits him from climbing tall trees asking him to use a difficult ladder to climb even the shorter ones.
However, he revealed that he often wanders to the mountain side alone and climbs 30ft-60ft high trees to satisfy his addiction, which others get with other things on ground level.
Gu said the surviving 40-year-old walnut tree in his family yard has also been a good playground for over 39.5 of its years.
Each year, the job of climbing and harvesting all the nuts are done by this single nut.



Born free, taxed to death
Tokyo: The pet industry in Japan is growing up; the general economic growth is not, therefore saying a final goodbye to pets at a funeral by owners will have paid monks cough up money in taxes.
The Supreme Court ruled against Buddhist monks who argued that Japan’s growing trend of pet funerals was a religious activity that should be free from taxes, like funerals for humans dead from it.
The Jimyoin Temple in central Aichi region offers last rites for animals that resemble the right traditional Buddhist funerals, with bereaved pet owners paying taxing pre-set donations.
In Japan, bereaved families generally offer these donations to the monks who perform last rites rather than wrongly paying fees for their services. But as the list of donation charges spells out prices, by no means does it show the characteristics of religious-donations said presiding judge Osamu Tsuno, who could now get tax rebate on a dead pet expenditure.
Since he feels it was a profit making operation that should be regarded as taxable income under the corporate tax law, monks would now be CEO’s of temple Inc and dealing with a product having dead weight.
Sometimes, the working of the constitution does not exactly work like a dead pet’s constitution.



Tip for the day: Those who claim best knowledge of death are not dead yet






LooseNews
Between the lines

-94-

14th September 2008



Message: Those who do not understand what we are saying, please try understanding what we are trying not to. Those who are confused by our words should also be with the content of the articles people insist on making. We write about news we do not make, while those who do not write are those busy making it.



FlakShip
Portsmouth: There was a public uproar on Friday when it was revealed that Lord Nelson’s legendary flagship built between 1759 and 1765 could be given away to a private owner any day.
The government says HMS Victory that saved a lot of Britain’s wealth may be too expensive to maintain and could be passed to a firm or a charity as a charity, which will run government property better than the Government, who can then run the country.
HMS Victory led the British fleet into battle off Cape Trafalgar against the Franco-Spanish force and the famous signal in the history of the Royal Navy, ‘England expects that every man will do his duty’ flew from its masthead for the Franco-Spanish forces that realised later.
A former First Sea Lord given up by the navy, said giving up the world’s oldest commissioned warship would make a mockery of Britain’s naval heritage; many had to be reminded of.
Centuries later, Lt. Cmdr Michael Cheshire, retired commanding officer from 1992 to 1998 said the ship was magnificent and meant a lot to the whole nation known to him. To sell off this icon would indicate the decline of the Royal Navy mentioned earlier.
The HMS Victory costs a minimum £1.5 million to maintain each year and has 400,000 visitors that do not pay £4 each to maintain it.



Academic epidemic
Essex: School children were left in fear, then tears after they were told they could have deadly typhoid, all in a bid to liven up lessons.
The year 7 pupils had only been at senior school for just four healthy days, when their menacing teachers said there was a local epidemic of the killer disease.
The 11-year-olds were also told they would be tested and if they were infested would be locked in the school for 48 hours before they come back for further studies again the following days. It left some of the youngsters crying in fear until it was revealed that it was just a role play for a creative writing class not meant for horror.
The cool head teacher at Bower Park School in Romford Essex had to explain to hot-headed parents that Wednesday’s lesson was a push to ‘eradicate passive learning and replace it with exciting creative lessons’.
The next day the teacher handed an apology in assembly and said sorry for what happened, thinking no one expected everyone would cry before getting the disease and at the same time said the school did a good job of planning this before hand.
The local head academic teacher Mary Morrison said the lesson was to make classes more engaging, unfortunately some students easily believed the storyline told by serious teachers that there was a local epidemic.



LooseNews graffiti: “The good thing about dumb animals is that they can’t humanly be stupid”



Hacking ConCERN
London: Hackers claim they have secrets of the computer system of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the mega-machine designed to expose the secrets of the cosmos, British Newspapers reported on Saturday.
A geek group just out of school, calling itself the ‘Greek Security Team’ left a rogue web page somewhere in cyber space, mocking the technicians here on earth responsible for the computer security at the giant atom smasher as ‘schoolkids’.
The hackers vowed they had no intention of disrupting the experiment wowing people at the European Organisation for Nuclear Research (CERN) on the Swiss-French border, adding that all they wanted was to just highlight the flaws in the computer system’s security that should hide what the LHC tests found out.
They wrote that they were just pulling their (CERN’s) pants down now because they did not want CERN to be seen running and panting around naked later looking to hide when the panic comes.
The hackers were detected to have gained access to the computer system of the Compact Muon Solenoid Experiment, one of the four detectors that will be analysing the progress of the experiment.
James Gillies, a spokesman for CERN who would soon know all about the cosmos said they did not know who the hackers were, but there seems to be no harm done like the experiments was supposed to do. It appeared to be people who wanted to make a point that CERN tests were hackable, before the rumoured disappearance of our universe.



In other news….



Withdrawn addiction
Berlin: Police closed down a Berlin sweet shop after discovering the owner was selling hallucinogenic mushrooms and marijuana to people buying chocolates. He sold the addiction at the prise of the chocolates and lollipops he laced them on.
They found 120 pieces of cannabis lollipops inside the shop and double the number of happy people just hanging around outside.
Police have done nothing to other chocolate shops that many are addicted to.



Tip for the day: Beat stress, buy in cash





LooseNews
Between the lines

-95-

15th September 2008



Wearhouse
London: Charlie Chaplin started life as a real pauper and ended as a reel pauper.
It was previously believed that Chaplin spent time in a warehouse in his childhood, but no evidence existed outside his film scripts to prove it until now.
A newly released document has provided old evidence that the legendary actor survived on a ‘number four’ diet, that eventually made him a multi-millionaire and which happened to be the worst available to work-house youths then.
Chris Blackwood, a spokesman for the London Metropolitan archives (LMA) said the people have been speaking of Chaplin’s time in a warehouse for a long time after his death, but this was the first actual concrete proof before ours.
As the records shows, he was put up on a diet for even younger children and it would have been the worst diet of gruel, porridge or basic cereals, having the bare minimum to keep him alive and make us to smile later. Warehouses were desperate places, where those needing to rely on benefits were worn-out made to work for not only the warehouse’s survival.
The LMA has uploaded a hand-ruled page of the grim Victorian work-house’s notebook, dated ‘9th week Midsummer 1896’, on its portal about his Midsummer Night’s nightmare.
In fact, Chaplin was admitted to the warehouse in the British capital at the normal age of seven, along with his older brother Sydney, after his alcoholic father abandoned Chaplin’s rich future at the time his mother was committed to an asylum that he could not pay for in 1896, according to the document.
Chaplin won three Oscars for his life-time achievements, when it was thought he was acting and died on Christmas Day 1977, aged 88.
His tough and extremely hard upbringing brought about the basis for one of the easily-most-loved character, The Tramp.



LooseNews graffiti: “You get divorced mature even if you marry as an amateur,”



It’s the Wright brother
London: A pilot flew panicked travellers back home over the weekend after the collapse of UK’s third largest tour operator, XL. Bruce Dickinson, 50, would not be known for his heroic, if he was not a part of Iron Maiden, the loud heavy-metal band that some old people take a plane to get away from.
Dickinson is still alive playing his music that youngsters Overhear. When he does not play, he does not crash a Boeing 757.
The singer, who has flown for the airline Astraeus, for nine years, took up flying to pilot his solo career after he was grounded by the band in 1993. He is trained to fly commercial jets and has been a captain with Astraeus for some time now, but not trained to sing in the band.
Although he rejoined his singing brothers of the strained band in 1999, he prefers the steady pay of a full-time pilot taking a detour-leave of absence when the group takes off on tour; He likes his life more than others and says that he gets paid to do two hobbies.
On Saturday morning he came to the rescue of 221 holidaymakers stranded in the Egyptian resort of Sharm-el-Sheikh and willing to risk his choice of in-flight music. Last night he was back playing his music to another batch of tourists who had enough of the Greek island of Kos. Earlier this month he flew 106 near deaf RAF crew after a real blast in Afghanistan on a plane back to the UK chartered by the Ministry of Defence.
Since rejoining, the group have sold 80 million albums to those who bought them. Dickinson has flown his reluctant band members, who know him more for his singing, around the world in a customised 757 dubbed ‘Ed Force One’- named after the group’s mascot ‘Eddie’.
He gets 80% of his income from performing with Iron Maiden-who get 20% of his time and his hobby. Dickinson has worked as a radio DJ and transmitted high on air-waves and co-written a feature-length film for that 35mm, 5.1 dose of celluloid.
When not on stage or in the cockpit, the group is not performing or in his plane.



In other news…



Public made to rest
Michigan: A businessman said he was so frustrated with the condition of a public restroom in Michigan that he cleaned it himself and billed the city $156.94 for his dirty work.
Steve Oswald said that uncomfortable customers at his shop complained about the condition of the bathroom that they had to go to when they had to go.
After confirming his desperate state and that of the toilet, he hurriedly got to work, spending an unbearable 45 minutes cleaning before finally getting to use it himself.
City Manager Kirk Harrier was quick to say that the city appreciates Oswald’s efforts, but the city council was slow to decide whether to pay him or not, with or without the charge of him using it.



Lack of highly qualified expertise has left the film industry with little on the legal side, we therefore have a few common listed issues we have addressed so that with minor or no changes you can have your very own and affordable …
…Ready-made Disclaimer: (for a film)
Any chickens harmed were probably used in a dinner soup-recipe for the crew of this low budget film. Due to hostile conditions and terrain that dictated the low budget, all ingredients comprising the recipe were not followed. The resultant recipe patent rights are the packaged property of the respective film producer. Copying is a breach of the patent and amounts to royalties that feature fast cash or kind payment. This calculation will figure a 10% royalty on gross billing in eateries that insist on putting this recipe as part of their special menu with occupancy up to 50% at any given time and paid directly to the chicken breeding project for our continuous cheap supply for all future budgets.
We wish you a happy meal!





LooseNews
Between the lines

-96-

17th September 2008



“Wish you a Merry End-of-Term”
London: The Yorkshire Coast College in Britain have removed Christmas and Easter from their calendar to avoid offending ethnic minorities, who knew they were coming to Britain.
Chiefs at the college insist that the decision is in line with Ofsted guidelines they know about. But a local Tory MP his Christian mother named Robert Goodwill, said that being a Christian country, it should remain all about religious tolerance in the country and respecting other people’s beliefs. However, he felt that school terms are traditionally separated by Santa and the Easter bunny and they should be referred as such, he felt it was political correctness gone mad for people coming from countries that have no correct politicians at all.
A spokeswoman for the college in Scarborough, North Yorks said over her new iphone that they constantly review the ways to communicate, to ensure they did not discriminate. They had therefore stopped referring to the Christmas and Easter Break and refer it now to ‘End of Term Break’, this making the rest majority of Christian students know all about discrimination.



LooseNews graffiti: “In England, a Gory idea must sound like a Tory idea”



Vault Disney
New York: A former Saudi diplomat presently turned cleric, Sheikh Muhammad Munajid, has described Walt Disney’s hand-drawn lifeless cartoon character Mickey Mouse as ‘one of Satan’s soldiers’, who turns everything around it impure.
The cleric has worked with the Saudi embassy in Washington DC, near George W. Bush and must have met him. He has never been to any Disney World and said that under an ancient Sharia, both household mice and their new cartoon counterparts must be killed in the future.
According to a translation prepared by the reluctant Middle East Media Research Institute studying mice, he said that the mouse was ‘One of Satan’s soldiers and is steered by him’, but did not say who the other was. Even if a clean mouse fell into a pot of any recipe of solid food, both should be thrown out, in any order of preference.
According to Islamic law, the mouse is a repulsive uneducated corrupting creature by nature cleaning up all the trash that smart humans throw.
Munajid also condemned the Beijing Olympics last month in protest against the skimpy attire of sportspersons, especially the women who he noticed more.
He did not give any example of God’s creatures.



Teasered
Tallahassee, Florida: A 40 year old nude man waked his dog in the nude was Tasered* by the shocked police, when he refused to follow an officer’s command.
David McCranie, with an impressive uniform of the Tallahassee Police Department, said an officer on patrol spotted the man with the nude dog, shortly after 8pm on a normal Friday.
When asked, the man’s almighty God everywhere, that had asked him to watch a blockbuster Bruce Willis movie anywhere, then walk the dog somewhere, it was learnt.
McCranie said that somehow using the 50,000 volt Taser was the only way to subdue the man without having to hurt his feeling any other way.
The man was then sent for mental-health evaluation and treatment, then later for some basic shopping without his dog.

*Tasered -hit by an electronic shock weapon, when you should have been at home instead



Thought of the day: Did Moses part his hair?





LooseNews
Between the lines

-97-

21st September 2008



Bestroom
Michigan: Out man Steven Oswald is in the news again and is not getting back the $156.94 amount he charged the city for cleaning a public restroom near him. He will however get a better restroom from now on to remind him of the Golden Plunger Award they gave him.
Oswald is 45 and said he did not expect to be reimbursed after billing the west Michigan tourist town for the cleaning job he did on the restroom at the same age, but he did say he appreciated the toilet plunger gold-spray-painted award they gave him, set on an oak stand that stands on his polished wooden cabinet on steel rollers.
Local TV in Grand Rapids reported that the city had replaced some of the fixtures in the restroom and will hire a cleaning company to keep it clean from whatever mess his customers were complaining about.
Mayor Tony Vettori has not yet used the restroom, but opening his lid said that he was glad that Oswald lifted the ‘lid on the problem’.



Miss the male
Istanbul: A small hotel on Turkey’s Mediterranean coast had a big problem and has fired all its male staff employees for repeatedly having affairs with foreign female guests they attract, the female manager said on Wednesday.
Pelin Yucei, the single manager of the Image Hotel in Marmaris, said her 27-room hotel, now only employs serious female staff. Most of the guests have been female British and Russian tourists happy with Turkish men, hence they have been facing the same problem every year, but after the last incident they had decided to run the hotel by straight female staff.
The last Turkish straw was when she saw her bartender, who was till then a very clean and decent man, walk out of the bathroom with a wet female British tourist.
Around 20 million tourists visited Turkish bathrooms last year, many of them initially drawn by its sandy beaches and turquoise waters.
Many male tourists were seen near the hotel recently.



In other news…



Bank Robber
Wisconsin: A man caught red-handed and convicted of stealing $20 from a toddler’s piggy bank and has been sentenced and will be seen outside stealing six years later.
Four-time convicted burglar Ryan Mueller was convicted again on Thursday of felony burglary as a repeat offender in a Wisconsin court he knew well.
Prosecutors say the 31-year-old Mueller broke into a home in August 2007 and stole money from the 29-year-younger girl’s piggy bank, while she slept. They say the girl’s mother walked into the room and caught Mueller in the act and stayed to be handed down his sentenced later.
Mueller was also sentenced to five years’ probation for not getting away with that piggy bank.



Let’s jack the ripper
London: A mentally ill Brit woman, who should have been in a straight jacket, fantasises about raping other woman. She has been allowed to undergo a sex change, also ensuring it will not happen to her.
Jacked and straight taxpayers will have to pay a £2,500 bill to turn the confused middle-aged patient into another unwanted man. The full treatment is already upwardly halfway through, with both unwanted breasts having been removed. A hysterectomy is now due after male hormone treatment for a patient ten years. A source says that the woman is 10 years closer to being able to carry out fantasies of raping woman, although she is currently in limbo at the moment-halfway between any beer-drinking man and a sensitive woman.
After the complete hormone treatment, we feel, the desire of woman fantasies should stay the same.



Thought of the day: Vintage car buyers don’t use hand-me-down clothes






LooseNews
Between the lines

-98-

26th September 2008



Not dimmer
Berlin: With a 19 year old heart, lead singer of The Zimmers, is 91, while two other members of the band live at 102.
At a Berlin shopping centre, the group just celebrated their life and the launch of their recorded debut album ‘Lust for Life’ with a record 14 new songs in it.
The rock show made headlines in many old German newspapers over the past couple of days. The group’s manager Dave Palmer said party goers have given The Zimmers an enthusiastic reception and said though they were older after the concert than younger before, they were not dead yet.
Their new CD features cover versions of songs by a younger Eric Clapton, The immortalised Beatles and a dead Frank Sinatra. They live by ‘Every breadth you take’ written by the Police.
The band was brought together by a documentary filmmaker, who was concerned about the plight of senior senior citizens. While they hope their performances will draw attention and some oxygen to the isolation and abandonment felt by many elderly people who do not sing, they are also determined to have a good time like in the good old times, Palmer managed to say.
Lead singer Alf Carretta, 91, joked about the group’s age and for once hoped not to be chased by interested fast running groupies, still thinking of fast running interested groupies.
Several of The Zimmers have been friends for 30 years or three decades. Their first recording, an early 2007 rendition of The Who’s ‘My Generation’ was a big hit with the YouTube generation and the song recorded at the legendary Abbey Road Studios, reached 26 in the British pop charts, 25 below others that did better and were younger.



Long hauled
Essex: A woman was banned from boarding a jet just because of her long name, the combination of her parents gave her.
After standing in a long line, she could not fit her name, Ulrika Örtegren-Kärjenmäki on Ryanair’s small boarding pass. She did not dot her letter’s either, invalidating it at the Essex airport security checks ready to spot grammar and spelling mistakes with anything highly unusual.
A heavy Swedish Ulrika had to shed an extra 380 pounds for the short haul flight the second day to have the same wait problem. Only this time the same quick thinking airline staff sipping their wakeup hot coffee and a specially printed alternative pass, allowed her to fly home before waiting for a third day.
Ryanair is considering compensation that figures not anything too long.



Good news/Bad news: She’s a dream, he’s a dreamer



Charged for discharge
West Virginia: A US man has been charged with assault after he allegedly broke wind on a suffocated police officer at South Charleston police HQ, West Virginia.
Police say they were holding Jose Cruz’s finger for some printing that is aged at 34, when he moved near a light-hearted Patrolman T E Parsons, lifted his leg and passed gas loudly, then waved the air in the direction towards the officer’s congested lungs - assaulting him.
The complaint said, the gas attack was very ‘odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons’, who then took his overdue sick leave,.
Cruz from Clarksburg had been arrested under suspicion of drink driving WITHOUT HIS HEADLIGHTS on, before the certainty of the assault.
Officers said he was unsteady on two of his feet and they felt intoxicated smelling him for alcohol, after they pulled him over driving on fours.
Cruz was charged with assaulting a police officer with his discharge, drink driving and obstruction of some kind.




Bad smoke signals for dutch smoking
Amsterdam: A cannabis smoker was fined by Dutch police because his joint contained tobacco. Holland’s laws are fine with cannabis smoking in the country’s licensed coffee drinking shops, even after introducing a ban on smoking in those restaurants last July.
An Amsterdam police spokesman admitted it could be difficult to understand the current policy of allowing smokers to puff away on pure delightful cannabis, while fining tobacco users going dutch with cannabis.
The 27-year-old man was caught lighting a hand rolled cannabis joint during a routine police check and fined him because officers found cheaper tobacco mixed with the more expensive soft drug. He is expected to contest the case in court with his ‘intake of tobacco smoke and exhale of cannabis’ argument.
This is the first test for the Dutch smoking ban that exempts people from enjoying joints as long as only pure Marijuana is used versus not enjoying the dutch version.



Thought of the day: Permanent markers mark products that don’t last permanently






LooseNews
Between the lines

-99-

5th October 2008



Sex lies in the video tape
Britney Spears is set to bid for her own sex tape she could have had for free. Ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, 35, is presently said to be touting the alleged X-rated footage for £5 million to several adult websites that might just be interested. The video highlights Britney wearing a Pink Wig That Does Not Match; she is also further seen naked and engaged in some normal sex acts.
The singer is reportedly desperate to get hold of the tape she made when she was desperate, and is prepared to pay "whatever it costs" to protect her long lost reputation. All this news is to keep the tape out of the public’s roving eye.
A source said Britney's lawyers have been working overtime to get hold of those tapes they would love to privately see. They have been told to do whatever it takes to stop the video making it onto the internet that they may want to see on their personal home video.
However, at the same time, an even closer source to Britney has hopefully denied the sex tape even exists, saying Ghalib's story was completely false for the £5 million offer that is true.



Crocodile fears
Sydney: A seven-year-old Australian boy broke into an animal centre and fed an eleven-foot crocodile a mixed recipe of native reptiles, police said on Friday.
Northern Territory police said surveillance camera footage showed the little child easily scaling a fence meant to keep fierce animals in. He then broke into the Alice Springs Reptile Centre in central Australia on Wednesday and killed a number of animals much older in years before Thursday.
The boy, who cannot be held legally responsible because he is under 10 years old, can do much more till 18. He could toss some more of the unsuspecting animals into the enclosure of any 200 kilogram salt water crocodile, which can be seen eating them again.
A spokeswoman for the Northern Territory police said the crocs new diet was some lizards and a turtle this time. The crime was discovered when staff arrived after breakfast at the centre the following morning to find more than a dozen animals either stone dead or missing, but not the fatter crocodile. Police were able to identify the boy from the well-shot footage and have cautioned him about climbing fences and spoken to his mother about his mixed choice of recipe, the spokeswoman said.
After a decade of disobedience they could just feed him to that crocodile after he is fatter at 18, in spite of his crocodile tears.



Jail hermit for a permit
Nizhny Novgorod, Russia: A hungry Russian man is facing jail after he ate his ex-wife’s passport during a row.
Police in Nizhny Novgorod, Volga arrested a very full Ivan Volokov, 31, after he tore up ex-wife Anna’s well-used passport and then ate all the proof of her travels.
Officers had been called in to resolve a domestic dispute between the happily divorced couple and the man’s angry new wife, but were shocked when the man devoured crucial pages of the document in their presence and the absence of any appetite.
The woman with her passport had just got divorced, but was still living with her ex-husband, in the same flat where he ate it. He wanted to digest the passport as it was the woman’s only official document proving she had the right to continue eating anymore in that house.
Russian law makes it mandatory for every non-defecting resident to have a registration and residence permit from local authorities who will never leave. A stamp of authority is given in the mandatory internal passports for people who do not travel externally.
During the argument, the man loved the ripped page containing the permit he ate, said a spokesperson for the prosecutor’s office.
Volokov has been charged with consuming tasteless official documents that term it as destroying it, completing the recipe with a dash of some assault and stirred up with threatening behaviour.
If and when convicted, he faces up to a year in prison with his ex-wife still living at home. His decision of eating the passport and destroying his food may not help him even if he did it by destroying the passport and eating his food.
The police were seen visiting the Russian man the next morning for the out flow of evidence.



Smoke signals
London: German artist Natascha Stellmach says she has the late rocker Kurt Cobain’s burnt ashes and will smoke them as the finale of her exhibition.
Stellmach’s five part exhibition is titled ‘Set Me Free’ and for the final act she chose Cobain’s ashes to free herself. This act will indeed ‘release Cobain from the media circus and into the ether’, accordingly to a release by contactmusic.com.
In June this year, it was reported that the dead Cobain’s ashes were stolen from his widow Courtney Love’s home in Los Angeles, who normally kept it.
When Stellmach was asked how she acquired the dead ashes, she said it was ‘confidential and a kind of magic and that they came to her’ just like the media did. It seems she was just ‘setting him free’; now herself seen tied up to the media circus.
The much publicised smoking of the remains will however take place in a secret Berlin location and ‘represents both the completion of the conceptual project and the final act in an exhibition bound to provoke wide public debate’, which remains to be seen.



Thought of the day: If you can’t win a battle, how do you win a war?





LooseNews
Between the lines

-100-

10th Oct 2008



Message:
We have turned up a 100
99 articles before have tried make you understand what we write about that people make us do.
In order to impress upon our intent and keep you focused, we could be seen excavating others manipulating or just hovering over others maneuvering.
All we need is to hear a word and see a frame to decide the outcome of any story that may keep your ear or someone’s eye tuned to what we started off to do.
Therefore, we would like you to comment at will of what may be of consequence to your life, wherever it may be, like we write trying influencing our future, if at all any.



Tip for the day: Don’t take bad advice from people who then know your bad past?



'Bail ‘em out without the golden parachute'
Washington DC: A young boy found he was broke one morning and desperately needed $700 to bail him out of his financial crisis. His only way out of this mess he put himself into was to address his parents, who ran the territory around him but did not know of his spending habits or much of his existence till then.
The matter was taken up in the upper part of the house and it was resolved that he would get the amount, which they would need to take stock thereafter.
It seemed he had arranged the money for some approved friends who would return the amount as mutually agreed but did not.
The parents got together to discuss the matter, the mother whose nice figure represented good assets and being a democratic kind of person, asked the husband if he was still planning to use their saved money to paint their white house into red and if he was still thinking to build the compound street-wall to replace the Bush fencing. If not, then the money could be used to allow the son to redo what he did earlier, only this time it would be paid in installment of $250, then $100 and the rest $350 with both of them reviewing the situation and speed of spending. This policy of installments would not tax them too much.
The son is banking on the outcome that the parent hopefully will not fail to take stock of.



LooseNews graffiti: “Stop watching comedy shows, start hearing George Bush’s speeches!”



'Lineage mileage'
New York: Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is now distantly related to Princess Diana and closely to late US president Franklin Roosevelt, republican genealogy experts based in Provo, Utah have said, The governor of Alaska and the princess it seems are tenth cousins, while Palin and Roosevelt are a much closer ninth.
Further, Canadian genealogy counterparts on Thursday claim that the Alaska Governor also has Canadian roots, which have been traced to St. Catharine’s and Kingston not far from Toronto, but very far from her nearby Russia.
Last year, Lynne Cheney said she found some roots that suggested her husband and out going vice president Dick Cheney was a distant cousin of the new presidential hopeful Barack Obama, while other researchers discovered the Obama is a distant cousin with Brad Pitt and all of the above are related to the great apes.
Megan Smolenyak knows all her cousins and is the chief family historian at ancestry.com. She says that when someone has deep roots in America; they could be stuck in muck or a good chance that they are going to have some famous cousins, who do not know about their less famous ones.
So would Princess Diana and Roosevelt be now related to Palin?



Some quotes that you may not know about
Quote: “ ..the meek shall inherit the earth..”-Bible
Interpretation: “Don’t be over-smart!”



"Love thy neighbour’s"
London: Julie Mcllroy has spent months on the broadband searching the net for love through a dating website, but just could not find a man of her cyber dreams. She finally spotted a free to download picture of someone she fancied and began chatting to Allan Donnelly online. The teacher of 46, then made an extraordinary discovery that they lived on the same physical street.
Stunned by the coincidence, they simply signed off their chat programmes and walked out of their homes to meet each other for the first time. Now the couple love each other’s software and plan to marry next year after checking out every other household on that street just to make sure.
Mum of three Julie was totally stunned and said she could have been put in touch with anyone in the world by that website, whose Indian outsourced software must have done better to check their local addresses first. Dad of two openly says they are perfect together and hope their children were secretly not.
Julie had seen thousands of low pixel photos of eligible bachelors before giving up and picking a high quality photo of Allan. The pair had seen each other from a distance in their street in Cardiff, but had never spoken without chatting, which hopefully they do after marriage without any software.



Good news/Bad news: Man survives suicide, due to adulterated poison.



'Poorland'
Deszkowice, Poland: A priest fed-up with his parishioners has gone on strike because they do not leave enough on the collection plate.
Father Piotr Lenart of Deszkowice refuses to talk to the mass during mass and should have been heavily in demand by potential listeners. He stands in silence in front of the noisy congregation for 15 minutes, 5 more than that allotted for a Polish sermon. At first people thought something was wrong with him, it was only after sometime they worked out that there was.
The break down in communications began when the priest asked for donations he did not get, to rebuild their church car park for a car a priest should not have.
Parishioners said they did not have enough money left after buying their cars. They felt the priest should have understood the heavy premium installment structure, they felt embarrassed with him saying the obvious with his silence.



Weather report:
“Televised shows on current affair topics have been stormy”



"Salute, even if you don’t pollute"
Fargo, US: A man has been arrested after he was caught stealing a bike right in front of a police officer.
The suspicious officer was in his patrol car when he saw this nice man pull an eco-friendly bike from a bike rack next to the station and get ready to pedal his pounds away without acknowledging him.
The environmental friendly man initially claimed the non-polluting bike was his, a story that would otherwise seem believable. True that the bike did not pollute, but was actually placed at the stand by the police in safe-keeping for a man, who was being detoxified from some pollution and mostly from high spirits he had had.



Thought of the day: It takes a video to sell most things in audio these days





LooseNews
read- recall -react

-101-

18th October 2008



Can you stomach this?
Clearfield, Pennsylvania: It took Brad Sciullo four hours and 39 minutes to finish a meat eating marathon.
The 5-foot-11, western Pennsylvania chef was 81 kg before he ate the 9.1 kg burger. He is the first person to eat the monstrosity called the Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser that is a 6.8kg burger and with toppings and a bun that bring the total weight to 9.1kg of monthly food some family in Africa would take to finish and relish.
From Uniontown, Sciullo said he is 21 and was surprised he finished the burger, surprising some on even starting. Three hours into it things got tough, but the remaining 1.39 hours got him used to it.
The burger included lots of lettuce, more tomatoes, extra cheese, plenty of onions, oodles of mild bananas peppers and a big cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard and relish, held together by a giant bun for this real bum to eat.
For completing the unlimited challenge in less than five full hours, which was the limit, Sciullo won $400 in big bills, three XXX sized T-shirts, a sizeable certificate and a large stomach said Pub owner Liegey munching on a burger.



Elevated
Berlin: A German thief was caught after he got caught in one of the intelligent elevators of an office block he had just burgled.
Heinrich Klopp was 27, when he stole computers, mobile phones and other electronic goods from a sixth floor now empty office. He had decided to take the easier way down as his weighty loot was too heavy to carry.
But when he called the fire brigade on his stolen mobile phone, he was trapped between floors in the easier elevator, which had good mobile network.
Smart German firemen spotted four working laptops made in China on the lift floor and called the police on duty in the capital Berlin.
They also arrested Klopp and later charged him for either theft or getting stuck.



Definition of a black tongue: A person, who has the experience, judgement and insight to point out a possible result before hand, made to shut up, then made to go through the frustration of being blamed later for the predicted consequence of verbally voicing his/her honest opinion earlier.



In other news…



Use firearm to fire leg
Barre: A man from Vermont, US is recovering from a gunshot wound after he use his own leg as a target for his handgun while practicing an unsuccessful quick draw.
The bullet from the revolver entered the 61 year old man’s leg just below the left knee and reminded him of a nice normal foot. Rescue crews found the man sitting on the sidewalk near his home and recognised the state he was in.
The man’s condition is now stable, but his aim is still not able.



Tip for the day: Why earn more when you can just spend less?





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31st October 2008



The Massage Message
Seoul: South Korea’s Constitutional court ruled on Thursday that only the visually impaired can be licensed masseurs in the country for people of any kind. This upholds a law set up a century ago despite arguments that it infringed on free employment rights for those who want to free employment of wrongs.
This blind law, established in 1912 when Korea saw years of Japanese rule, helps guarantee the blind a livelihood, according to the Korean Association of Masseurs that knead people for a living and having about 7,100 visually impaired needy members.
The court said that the regulation was meant to provide visually impaired people with an opportunity to massage and assure that they have means to earn that particular living while living. Welfare experts in the country have said the long arms of the law help the blind make their living by carving out that niche.
The association has led protests over an apparently long court case, with three blind masseurs finally committing suicide since 2006 before seeing this law being past.
Lee Gyuseong from the association said the court’s decision was not only a long awaited verdict on the right to live longer, but also a measure of South Korea’s conscientiousness that took so long.
Meanwhile the country’s unlicensed barely living masseurs, estimated to be barely 200,000, said the law denied them the right to practise their high-demand trade and may lead an equal and opposite protest whose results are yet to be seen.



Good news/Bad news: Paris Hilton cannot have a Brain tumour



Like to see a comic strip?
Tokyo: A man has enlisted hundreds of comic people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans without any depth and interesting cartoon characters, saying he feels more at ease in the 2-dimensional world.
A 3-dimensional Taichi Takashita launched an online petition aiming for one million signatures to present to the government to establish a law on marriages with cartoon characters and see a comic strip. Within a week he had gathered more than 1,000 signatures from those who thought they could strip with a comic. He said he was no longer interested in real issues and he would like to become a resident of much simple two-dimensional kind. At the precise time, he however did agree that it would be impossible and therefore considered an authorised marriage possibility with 2-dimensional characters without realistic problems.
Japan’s fans of comic books or ‘manga’ sometimes go to the extremes, apart from buying those expensive comics. Recently a woman more addicted to manga than marijuana put out an online message seeking to kill her parents for asking her to throw away comic books, but addicted readers of the message preferred collecting thrown comics to killing her parents.
It however was not said whether many could marry the same cartoon character that one too many would prefer.



Steal some designer steel
San Anselmo, CA: Police have charged a man with stealing a Lexus SUV he drove to court the same day a jury was to now easily decide whether to convict him in a separate auto theft case.
The man, a hairstylist, can do wonders for hair that cover thick skulls over little brains. He was accused on Monday on the charges of having a nexus with the stolen Lexus after police saw him approach the vehicle in front of the watchful courthouse.
Bystanders also found there to be several puppies inside the Lexus, which brought upon an additional charge with animal cruelty this time, but not stealing.
Meanwhile, he was convicted in that other case which featured an eye-stealing Porsche Carrera and could further steal the show with his craft with the metrosexual section of prisoners.



Thought of the day: Did he marry her or did she marry him?





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8th November 2008

Rapped
Wellington: A New Zealand rape victim drove her rapist to a police station when he fell asleep in the car after assaulting her. Vipul Sharma was found guilty of sleeping after abducting and raping on Tuesday.
Sharma met the woman at a bar and thinking sex was no bar drove her to a park where he raped her in the car, then trusted the woman to drive and like all men fell asleep in the passenger seat. So the woman like all females drove him to the unexpected police station where he was arrested sleeping after rape.



Bone Identity
London; A young girl of five has unearthed the massive backbone of a woolly rhinoceros that roamed the streets of London and Britain 50,000 years. Emelia Fawbert made the shocking find while on a fossil hunt when naturally driven by an English dad named James along with her granddad Geoff who obviously named him.
Expert Dr. Neville Hollingworth who is paid to do just that said that it was a spectacularly rare find, even more incredible for someone so young and unpaid.
Emelia who spotted the bone poking out of the ground in the gravel pit at Cotswold Water Park, Glos, was allowed to take the £400 fossil home but intends to give it to the museum that intends to keep it.



LooseNews graffiti: “Bad economy is best weight reducer”



Handed Over in Hanover
Hanover: A confused Greek traveller managed to get lost in a tiny airport in Germany for a whole week
Christianos Kaklamanis, about 38 years and a weak older wandered around Hanover airport with signs that must have looked like Greek to anyone, this for seven days before a travel agent noticed him many times and at once called the police immediately. Airport officials have launched an investigation into how a passenger could get lost at the airport for a week after travelling as far as he did to do so. They have contacted his family over the Terminal-style mix-up and sent the airport holiday-maker back to get lost in Athens.
Travel agent Sabine Berger who spotted the man said that it was unbelievable to find out what they did and glad he finally made it home when he did.



Order Ordzzzzz
Sydney: Australia’s High Court in one sentence said on Thursday it had overturned the convictions of two nabbed drug trafficker’s because the judge regularly napped during their trial.
The court heard that Judge Ian Dodd slept for up to 20 minutes at a time and sometimes snored during the trial in 2004, while lawyers spoke for 20 minutes at that time.
Members of the jury were visibly distracted by the lawyers, while court officials resorted to dropping documents loudly for those 20 minutes in a bid to wake the napping judge.
Dopp, who was found to suffer from sleep apnoea, retired in July 2005 and went to sleep.
The High Court upheld the appeal by the two convicts, ruling that Judge Dopp in his wildest dreams could not have exercised supervision in his sleep.



Thought of the day: Dirtier places have cleaner dustbins





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24th December 2008



Hail Campbell
Pennsylvania: The parents of Adolf Hitler Campbell, 3, were upset when denied a birthday cake with their child’s full name on it by a supermarket that did not name him.
Mother Deborah who is not Jewish, said she phoned in her order to ShopRite that could be owned by one. When she was refused by the supervisor, she had just asked for what she did not get.
A spokeswoman for ShopRite said they reserved the right not to print anything on any cake they felt inappropriate or did not like to spell.
The Father Heath insisted that a name was a name and the son he chose to name wasn’t going to do what Hitler did or didn’t do.



Pregnant! No thanks
London: A woman did not know she did what she did till she was in labour. The barmaid who has been very busy doing hard daily labour didn’t realise she was even pregnant.
After she had herself flung around a roller coaster at an amusement park, Issy McMurdo a pregnant 21, thought she had eaten something and was rushed to the hospital after exactly nine months rolling with excruciating stomach pains.
It was indeed a massive shock to be given someone else’s scan she thought and told her stomach ache was labour. She had neither idea nor the memory to realise the many ways to pregnant and thought she had put on a little weight in-between…these months.
Issy, a slender six-footer was still working gruelling bar shifts before giving birth to six-pound baby Oscar, who does not know anything.



LooseNews graffiti: Hic! “Officer, was it no driving after drinking or was it no drinking before driving?”



Money? Any Time!
Beaumont, Texas: Police arrested someone who paid for a hired forklift then recovered the amount by stealing an ATM with a borrowed truck.
The police responded to an alarm from a bank and discovered an exterior ATM was gone and replaced with a recently used forklift nearby, whose motor was still running unlike the ATM’s machinery.
A familiar size truck for the ATM had been earlier seen near the known bank, which the police later spotted and detained along with the man still trying to drive it. As the ATM was in the back of the truck the police suspected the man. The driver is facing charges of unauthorised use of a motor vehicle driving with an ATM on it, still not knowing if he were a customer of that bank.
The police are still trying to figure out where he got the forklift, they may find out if they ask him.



Buy Focal
London: A British scientist has designed a pair of glasses that can be adapted by a wearer without any willing opticians help.
Joshua Silver hopes that his self-adjusting glasses could enable a billion people in the developing world to receive spectacles for the first time over a decade with good eye sight now and not then.
Silver, Oxford University physics professor has retired but not from new ideas, he is even prepared to launch an ambitious scheme in India to distribute one million pairs in a year to one million pairs of eyes with two ears.
He revealed that he came up with the apparent idea in what he describes as a “glimpse of the obvious”, which translates to the design being such that they can be ‘tuned’ by the wearer to suit even illiterate Indian rural eyes, without a prescription or any idea what they are reading.
The glasses can be worn by both, long-sighted who want to see shorter and the short-sighted who have waited for so long.
A chance conversation in 1985 with someone who wanted them and 20 of his years thereafter made Silver come up with a design that could be duplicated cheaply for some short-sighted people who could distribute with large margins.
The principle behind the design is use of tiny quantities of fluid from thin sacs users will have to refill regularly somewhere.
The invention could provide spectacles for the first time to millions to poorer parts of the world where expensive opticians are in short supply but those willing fluid re-fillers.
The trial project is supported by UK’s department for International Development that has seen thousands of pairs distributed in Third World countries for the First time.
Silver’s aim is to reach 100 million of his cheap glasses to as many users a year and to reach a target of one billion who he hopes have bad eye-sight by 2020.



Thought of the day: Those who work at night can quit their day jobs





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21st Jan 09



Gone with the winner
Delhi: Satvir Singh Parmar and Gurpreet, an NRI (non- resident Indian) couple, who hoped they did not fly on a low-fare carrier- Spice Jet, when they were hoping to celebrate their fourth wedding anniversary with their baby in a pram the following day.
Their plans went awry as their infant’s high-fare pram went missing without the infant when they arrived at the airport.
The couple suspect theft, but smart Airlines did not know anyone with that name. They have not made a formal compliant with the police and have officially registered their complaint with Spice Jet’s airport manager who may soon know many.
Satvir who is based in Oslo, said that it was a very expensive pram that cost them a better airline service with its price tag of 14,000 Norwegian Kroner (around $2000).
Gurpreet who suffers from a slipped disc now suffers from regret as she was asked to collect it the following day by someone in spicy looking uniform at the conveyer belt. Unfortunately they did not take note of his name, but were sure he was from the airline with a disgraced name.
Lawrence Fernandes the airlines duty manager confirmed the compliant and said a typical Indian inquiry was on when he was requested on inquiry.



LooseNews graffiti: “Upcoming celebrities are like paparazzi to well known media”



#@*!%#
Washington, somewhere in the US: The 44th President will take less than a minute to recite an oath of office that the US Treasury wants to spend $160 million on it.
Obama’s inaugural committee is in the midst of raising roughly $45 million in private funds, exceeding the $42.3 million President Bush spent in 2003 for nothing.
In the year of 1993, Clinton totally exploited the $33 million when Democrats returned to the White House for the first time in 12 opposing years.
As in previous years, the costs borne by the cursing taxpayers, for security and emergency medical services, far surpasses the privately pledged events.
According to CBS, the federal government has budgeted $49 million for this year’s inauguration, more than triple what taxpayers spent at Bush’s first inauguration in 2001 and hopefully 1000 times his second.
Linda Douglas, a spokeswoman for Obama’s inaugural committee, said the committee expenses will be greater than previous years because Obama’s commitment to make the event as open and accessible as possible to the curious public and terrorists who have given their word earlier.
At least two million attracted people are expected at the swearing-in for a President-elect who normally uses a good clean language.
Officials estimate 10,000 charter buses will arrive in the capital with roughly 500,000 riders alone to hear Obama swear.




A round world
Hyderabad: A recent study by the Centre for Cellular and Molecular Biology (CCMB) in Hyderabad in collaboration with Harvard Medical School, has concluded that modern or any other man originated in Africa and migrated around the world via many Indian vices.
CCMB director Laljit Singh, who surprisingly has not migrated to the USA said it was first thought by Africans, Middle Eastern, Europeans and South east Asia's that man moved north of Africa to the Middle East, Europe, South East Asia and only then came to India.
But they now say these Indian have evidence that Ongis, who are found in the Andaman & Nicobar Islands and a part of India, are the oldest living tribe outside Africa and any other real estate apart from India. A DNA study revealed that the tribe is 65,000 years old when India did not have its name and so is the culture of its hostile reception committee ready to part from India.
The CCMB has submitted its new thesis 65,000 years later for publication to a science journal. Singh is reserving details of the study till the paper is published, which he expects us to now wait only for a few months.
He further goes to say that a recent excavation in Jwaluparam in Kurnool district, Andhra Pradesh in India supports the new theory which he did not know earlier.
Evidence has also been collected to establish that the modern man existed much earlier than what geneticists now believe and not for too long thereafter at the rate consumerism is evolving.
According to CCMB, there is a lot of interest in the Indian population by others other than the Indian population, because it can tell a lot about human history and reveal the origin of various diseases that the Indian population is not interested in.



Thought of the day: Rumours are according to those unreliable sources






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21st Feb 09



Island in the Sun
London: The hopes of an 8th continent disappeared after Google Spokeswoman was quoted saying that images of the sleepy African ocean bed that appeared in ‘The Sun’ were not of the lost continent of Atlantis continent, but simply sonar data collected as boats mapped the ocean floor.
The network of criss-cross lines is 620 miles off the coast of North Africa near the Canary Islands on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean and a perfect location for rumours and ancient Philosopher Plato who started one.
The perfect rectangle was noticed on the Google Ocean’s underwater exploration tool by a previously unknown aeronautical engineer who sunk to new lows and claimed the aerial map looked that of a likely sunken city rather than everyday obvious sonar data.
Modern day Atlantis experts, who ‘earn from news of the ancient city, were quoted in The Sun as one of the possible sites of the legendary Island. Dr Charles Orser, curator of historical archaeology at New York State University told the paper that the find was fascinating and warranted further inspection with anyone’s money before, but not after Daily Mail report on Friday quoting the Google spokeswoman as saying that what users were seeing is an artefact of the data collection process in exactly that part of the world.
She goes on saying that the sea floor terrain data is often collected from boats using sonar to take measurements of the sea floor instead of finding ancient continents. Ironically she also said that the perfect straight lines reflect the path of the boats as it gathers the data circling around.



LooseNews graffiti:” I now fit better into society with world recession, all women call me cheap”



Die Hardly
London: School pupils have been encouraged to think like the 7/7 terror backed gang in a government backed classroom project.
The teaching objective, aimed at tackling extremism, targeted secondary children to prepare a presentation setting their sights on the London 7/7 bombing from the perspective of an everyday diehard bomber.
Its stern author Sail Suleman, of Calderdale council, West Yorks, said seriously that they were intensely looking at why other people become extreme. But shell shocked conservative ministers axed it for being misguiding and inappropriate despite its connection to a government website.
A moderate department for schools said that while it in no way looks to excuse July 007, bonded education ministers moderately apologised for the extreme offence caused.



Rich Bugger
Surrey: A stringent millionaire businessman was forced to make all his employees eat cheap burgers after one complained about the food at an expensive five star hotel.
Damon Buffini, the rich chairman of private equity firm Permira can count to a million. He was appalled that many of who also can, earning tens of millions during the boom years, busy putting on English pounds, failed to appreciate how enormously lucky they were.
The incident happened economically at the firm’s annual week away at the Pennyhill Park in Surrey. He ordered that the kitchen serves the burgers the following evening and during dinner as well and took it upon himself to personally caution his staff for their attitude, which helped make his otherwise plump bill slimmer.



Thought of the day: “Now that I have my attention”






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10th March 09



Dressed Chicken
Melbourne: The move to booth tourism at the north Queensland nudist colony turned into a mini riot after a guest refused to dress up like the rest at the swinger sex party.
Owner of the White Cockatoo resort at Mossman, a Tony Fox said that the fight erupted when four naked female guests dressed for this unique party protested when confronted by the fully clothed man that made them feel uncomfortable eyeing theirs. The four demanded some respect by taking off his clothes.
After the cops arrived in full uniform, the ill-informed man and his wife were removed from the adults-only-anything-goes party whose dress code did not go too well with anyone.



Worn Out
London: Prince Charles beat US President Barack Obama black red, white & blue to the top style magazine Esquire’s list of the world’s best-dressed men.
The Prince has been dressing for 60 years and only recently subjected to praise by the magazine for his simple yet elegant style with his predicted signature double-breasted suit and royally pressed shirt.
The poor Royal Prince has to earn enough for a wardrobe in appropriate style with a room laid out like a tailor’s shop surrounded by a castle in proportional size.
Newly elected US President Obama ranked fourth on the list, needs to dress better than Comedian Ronnie Corbett at second place and actor Bill Nighy at third to be noticed near the Prince.
British PM Gordon Brown paid by heavily taxed payers featured worn out on the magazine’s list of the worst-dressed men.



LooseNews graffiti: “I don’t have money to buy that car that doesn’t fit in my garage I don’t have”



For heavens sake
Vatican: The Vatican is sure that the washing machine did more to liberate woman than the contraceptive pill.
In a long editorial marking International Woman’s Day, Vatican official newspaper L’Osservatore Romano voted the washing machine as more important for liberation of women than the pill as it had freed generations from the hard work of household chores that lazy domesticated husbands preferred woman indulging in rather than the other.
The washing machine and the emancipation of women: put in the powder, close the lid and relax, reads the article headline with a b/w picture of two young women in the 50’s admiring a front loaded machine awaiting the miracle of clean clothes.
For heaven’s and history’s sake, the first basic washing machine meant to liberate women appeared as far back as 1767 when used clothes were dirtier, but finally did with the long awaited electrical models being produced at the beginning of the 20th century along-side money laundering. The tribute to the domestic convenience, quoted the words of late American feminists Betty Friedan, who in the 1963 described the invention as being able to change the bed sheets twice a week instead of once…and liberate woman enough to dirty someone else’s.
While early models were expensive and unreliable, technology had improved to the point that there is now the image of the woman smiling, made-up and radiant among appliances of her house, the Vatican newspaper said, in spite of knowing that some female models today can be expensive and unreliable



Not anyone’s cuppa
London: A British coffee shop chain has insured its chief coffee-taster’s tongue for £10 million.
Costa, which was founded in 1971 by the Italian brothers Sergio and Bruno Costa can be found in London. They are said to have insured their business by insuring Gennaro Pelliccia’s chief tasting tongue for that amount.
The talk of the town is that Pelliccia gets to taste every batch of raw coffee beans at the company’s roastery in Lambeth, south of London, before they are roasted and shipped to its stores worldwide, including to those in India speaking a totally different tongue.
Approximately 10,000 uninsured taste buds on an average tongue are unlike Pelliccia’s taste buds insured for £1000 each.
His tongue says that in his profession, taste buds and sensory skills are crucial and everything he does involves it.
The past 18 years have evolved his minimum 10,000 buds to distinguish between thousands of known flavours and few unknown defects protecting Costa’s unique blend says Pelliccia licking his insurance policy.



Tip for the day: Change thy wardrobe!





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28th March 09



Brain drain
Toronto: It may soon be possible to erase somebody’s bad memories from your brain. Canadian scientists remember they were at the University of Toronto and the local Hospital for the Sick Children when they found a link between a given memory and specific neurons.
Some scientists know that some human brains have over 100 billion neurons, and found out that someone’s memory is stored in only small number of them. Scientists have been trying to identify these precise neurons that encode a given memory that could be good but normally bad.
Now in their experimental study on mice, who have only 100 million neurons to spare for their history, the Toronto research team has succeeded in identifying precise neurons that carry a particular memory that we or mice did not know they had.
Unlike in the past when scientists had deleted an entire brain region in mice to try and erase a memory in the hopes of finding out about how memories are normally stored in these mice left without an identity, the Toronto team has succeeded in removing only the small portion of neurons that stored a specific memory and hopefully a bad one.



Mummy of Peru
Lima: Two mummies dating back to around 1,460 AD were found dead near an archaeological site in northern Peruvian province of Amazonas.
Though Peru is high on family values, the tombs were plundered by suspected bachelors who always stumbled on it before paid married archaeologists that finally find it later.
One mummy was fully intact said the mother of her growing children Maria Dolores Ramos- an official in-charge of her difficult house and culture & tourism of this easy going country.
The late discovery was made after the plunder and at a place opposite the
Karajia archaeological complex in Luya Viejo district, the official said.
The mummies found were wrapped in blankets and surrounded by pottery, mystical instruments and these late archaeologists, thus indicating that the corpses may be military officials buried with their blankets, pottery and mystical instruments.



LooseNews graffiti: Superstition- The Universal Religion!



You got to hand it to these guys!
Washington: Scientists at the Pentagon have completed the first phase of their plan to re-grow soldier’s limbs, by turning human skin into the equivalent of a blastema – a mass of undifferentiated cells that can develop into new body parts or limbs, a procedure different from re-growing the brain’s defunct grey cells.
Now, researchers are hands full with the next phase of turning that cellular glop into square inch of muscle tissue, after the Worcester Polytechnic Institute (WPI) got a year’s grant from Darpa, the Pentagon’s blue-sky research arm, to grow that new $570,000 tissue.
The goal is to genuinely replace a muscle that’s lost with $570,000 that will find its way into the pockets of these scientists who still need to find a cure for common cold.
According to Prof. Raymond Page, this grant is only one part in a larger, even more ambitious Darpa programme, since Restorative Injury Repair, aims to fully restore the function of the complex tissue after traumatic injury on the battlefield due to someone’s ambitious war programme.



Real Shop Notices (India): Discount between 6 & 8 % for goods purchased over Rs 100 on MRP, for those over the age of 65 yrs and not under the influence, during happy hours after 8 pm on weekends and public holidays and the 1st week of every alternate month.





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25th April 09



Nailed
London: A woman with bad nails woke up with a blurred vision reached for her eye drops, but caught hold of nail glue instead. Paula Griffin, 29, was in agony with her right eye glued shut for eight hours after she used the glue for the wrong reasons.
Doctors force it open after cutting off all her lashes after a sleepy Paula squeezed it in about eight hours before. The frequently used nail glue stopped just short of hitting the centre of her normal eye which saved her from her seeing permanent damage.
Now Paula does not mind her bad nails.



Without a hump
Dubai: A camel reproduction centre in Dubai has claimed to have produced the world’s first cloned camel in a land surrounded by camels.
The female calf named Injaz, was born on last Wednesday to a proud Dubai’s Camel Reproduction Centre (CRC).
A team of parent doctors at the CRC, headed by Dr. Lulu Skidmore and Dr. Ali Redha, said that Injaz was created from cumulus cells harvested from the ovary of a similar looking female adult camel, which were grown in culture before being frozen into liquid nitrogen, unlike normal camel reproduction culture.
Dr. Skidmore the scientific director of the CRC said they were all very excited at the birth of Injaz as she was a result of teamwork at this centre not consisting of camels.



Streets of London are paved with ‘old
London: Britons may have a reputation as animal-lovers, but are increasingly dumping their old pets as money-lovers would during an economical slowdown.
The number of abandoned animals soared 57 per cent in 2008 to 11,586, according to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA) by humans, the equivalent of more than 30 broke owners a day.
The charity said that 50 per cent of dumped cats went up the alley and a third more pet dogs strayed on the streets, horses, farm animals and exotic pets also kept their owners at home.
There had also been a 52 per cent rise in inquiries from concerned public looking for a home for their pets before they would later.
Tim Wass, chief officer of RSPCA said the cause was everything to do with the economic about owing a pet, from paying for food to veterinary bills these domesticated animals got used to and now owners do not want to.
Battersea Dogs and Cats home, Britain’s best-known animal refuge centre just got better known. Located in south London, it is struggling to cope at bursting point after taking 1,000 strays that could not keep their owners.



First drafts of famous quotes: “Show me your friends …and I will show you theirs”





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9th May ‘09



Not Clear? go nuclear!
London: Scientists claim to have found a unique method of identifying counterfeit antique malt whisky by detecting in the original beverage traces of radioactive particles flung into the atmosphere by nuclear bomb tests before toasting its success with highly charged alcoholic drinks.
A team at Oxford Radiocarbon Accelerator Unit, has discovered the after effect kick in 50 to 60 year old whiskies as it could now pinpoint the date it was made by detecting traces of decaying radioactive particles created by many nuclear bomb tests in the 1950’s and before twice in 1945.
In fact, they can also use natural background levels of radioactivity to identify still available whiskies that no one bothered to drink in earlier centuries.
Tom Higham at Oxford Radiocarbon Accelerator Unit says that whiskies that are older have a range of unwanted dates and can be told in which century they were not drunk in or in which century someone drinking them should decay in.



Cyber space-the Royal frontier
Go where no royal has gone before

London: Britain’s Prince Charles will break new ground on Tuesday when he becomes the first senior member of the Royal Family to finally understand and utilise the social networking site MySpace in carrying out his over-due official duties.
According to the Telegraph, the King somewhere in the distant future will broadcast a passionate plea to save the rainforests on MySpace with his own newly conquered cyber space.
In taking his message onto the Internet, Charles like always, will follow in the footsteps of Queen Elizabeth, who found the email comfortably old & traditional enough to use for her first official email last week to mark the 60th anniversary of the Commonwealth.
The Prince in his message will say what we know - that it is vital to preserve the rainforests in the battle against climate change before he preserve all of his hair. He will also warn us that deforestation is no different from defrost-ation and is emitting more carbon into the warming atmosphere than the global transport sales sector could hope to achieve.
This message will travel in wires made of minerals, mined in an environmental disaster zone, from a computer made of hazardous plastic, sitting on top of a wooden desk made from a forest tree, using electricity from a dam that ensured drowned many villages and dislodged people, who may not understand the real message.



Did you know…that the likelihood of a bird dropping on you is as low as the chance of a bird hitting you with a dropping?



Busted
London: British retail giant Marks & Spencer admitted on Friday that its decision on charging higher prices for bigger size bras will not materialise into its measured plans.
Campaigner Beckie Williams has a photograph resembling Dolly Parton and founded Facebook group ‘Busts 4 Justice’ to spend more for free media M&S exposure, campaigning against the retail giant for adding £2 surcharge on an envious bras size bigger than a DD cup. Then she patiently spent more to buy a share in the company with the intention of sharing a piece of her mind with M&S chairman Sir Stuart Rose at the annual meeting in any coming July.
The campaigners were infuriated as overcharges are not levied on other undergarments.
Backing down from its earlier stance, M&S admitted it was wrong by spending large amounts earned from overcharges for full page advertisements in national newspapers, for underestimating the weight behind big busted women.



Before: Seeing is believing
Now: Feeling is believing




(Full History on www.loosenews.com)